Generation LMNOP : Episode 1 : The Black Album
Original Draft Completed November 10th, 2003
TEASER
INT. MIDUS' KITCHEN -- DAY
MIDUS' MOTHER, Julie Steele, is sitting at the table reading
a newspaper. MIDUS walks down the stairs, back packed tossed
over his shoulders and heads for the door.
MIDUS' MOTHER
Midus, eat some breakfast.
MIDUS
It's too early to be eating breakfast.
MIDUS' MOTHER
That's why they call it breakfast.
You eat it early in the morning. Now
grab something before you head out.
MIDUS
If I eat this early, my stomach gets
all upset.
INT. BUS -- FLASHBACK
KEANU REEVES is driving a bus like in Speed. SANDRA BULLOCK
is by his side.
KEANU REEVES
Ya gotta stay above fifty.
EXT. STREETS -- FLASHBACK
Tony the Tiger walks out onto a street.
TONY THE TIGER
Breakfast! It's Greeeeeaaaat!
He promptly gets run over.
INT. BUS -- FLASHBACK
Sandra Bullock screams. Keanu Reeves tries calming.
KEANU REEVES
It's okay. It's okay. It's just a
tiger.
EXT. STREETS -- FLASHBACK
Count Chocula appears. He drops to his knees like in Platoon.
COUNT CHOCULA
NOOOOOOO!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
INT. MIDUS' KITCHEN -- CONTINUOUS
MIDUS reluctantly grabs a bagel from the table and leaves
the house.
EXT. MIDUS' HOUSE BACKYARD -- CONTINUOUS
MIDUS closes the screen door as standing there is JACKSON,
also with a backpack thrown over his shoulder. Midus joins
him and they start to walk out of his backyard and down an
alley to school.
JACKSON
You know, I was thinking about
starting a band.
MIDUS
Don't you have to play an instrument?
JACKSON
You obviously haven't been listening
to the radio much lately.
END OF TEASER
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
ACT ONE
EXT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM -- MORNING
ESTABLISHING SHOT. MIDUS & JACKSON walk into frame.
MIDUS (V.O.)
Welcome to my life. I'm Midus Steele,
and today is my first day at Charles
Manson High School. Did I say Charles
Manson? I meant Duck Soup High School.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAYS -- CONTINUOUS
They walk inside, backpacks, looking for their room.
MIDUS (V.O.)
I'm quite nervous, the whole first
day syndrome running rampant, hence
this internal monologue running
through my brain. You think I normally
do this? Ha. That's a laugh. Just
one. That's why you got a Ha. No
hahahaha. Although my imagination
does run rampant like a locomotive
that runs... rampant. Mostly when
I'm bored, tired, eating, or awake.
They walk by a hot chick, named ALICIA FNORD, who Jackson
immediatly checks out.
MIDUS (V.O.) (CONT'D)
That's my best friend Jackson. We've
been close ever since Elementary
school. In fact, I doubt we've ever
had a class where the other one wasn't
present. Luckily, our schedules are
the same this year, but I've heard
horror stories about high school,
where people get different classes
than their friends. Meet new people?
Pfft. If I wanted to do that, I'd
get addicted to something and go to
it's Anonymous meeting.
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM -- DAY
MIDUS and JACKSON walk into the room, and each of them begin
to look for their names. Set alphabetically, Midus takes his
seat, and Jackson takes one next to him.
MIDUS
Dude, that's not your seat.
JACKSON
I wanted to try something new this
year. Now I'm...
(MORE)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
(looks down at the
paper)
Valerie McKeirson.
MIDUS
You don't have the chest to pull
that off.
JACKSON
Puberties not DONE with me Midus
MIDUS
If puberty's smart it is.
Midus and Jackson look over and see a man in a large get up
with a sash that says Puberty Man on it. He places his fairy
over a girl and she suddenly grows huge breasts and grows a
half of foot in height. Acne develops, and she falls forward.
He turns his attention toward Midus and lowers his head.
PUBERTY MAN
Pink is just not flattering.
Midus and Jackson are pulled out of their gaze when VALERIE
grabs their attention.
VAL
I think you're in my seat.
JACKSON
You could always just sit in my lap.
Jackson gives her a wink.
MIDUS
Don't mind him. He has the
intelligence of a chimp.
JACKSON
HEY! I told you, that chimp cheated!
INT. OTHER SCHOOL CLASSROOM -- AFTERNOON
JACKSON and a CHIMP are doing a timed test. A TEACHER sits
at the front of the classroom and a bell goes off.
TEACHER
Time's up, Pencil's Down.
The teacher walks over and grabs Jackson and the chimp's
test.
TEACHER (CONT'D)
Uhmmm... Jackson? The only thing you
wrote on this page is, and I quote,
"She looks hot in miniskirts."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
The Teacher looks stunned, but not very offended. Jackson
shrugs his shoulders.
JACKSON
What?!? You do!
The chimp starts going on a rampage.
TEACHER
I'm sorry, but since you didn't write
down your name, and the chimp did,
I'm going to have to say he beat
you.
JACKSON
I got beat by a CHIMP on a
standardized test?!?
The teacher shows Jackson the chimp's test.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
(Angry)
This is just covered in poo!
TEACHER
Well, what do you expect of Feesis
the POO THROWER?
JACKSON
Oh that DOES it!
Jackson lunges at the chimp and takes him down. They roll
around the floor, as the fight goes off camera.
JACKSON (V.O.) (CONT'D)
AH! He's doing something wrong in
my eye!
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM -- CONTINUOUS
VAL is still standing, as MIDUS and JACKSON still sit in
their seats.
MIDUS
I'm Midus, and this... well, I guess
his name is Valerie, since he's in
your seat.
JACKSON
I'm Jackson.
VAL
So, your name isn't Valerie then?
JACKSON
No. It's not.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
VAL
Then get outta my seat.
Jackson looks back stunned, while Midus now has a huge grin.
MIDUS
Wow.! I like you already!
Jackson reluctantly gets up, and Val takes her seat. Val and
Midus exchange a look as Jackson moves to his actual seat,
which is behind Val. The teacher in the front of the room
grabs attention. He's MR. ANDREWS.
MR. ANDREWS
Hello everyone. I'm Mr. Andrews. Now
I know most of you kids are a little
nervous about your first day of high
school. I know I was. I wasn't sure
what was going to happen next, and
then when that cute brunette took me
into the broom closet and made me
scream her name? Miss Chemistry
Teacher... MISS CHEMISTRY TEACHER!
All the students look a bit shocked. After a long pause,
there's crickets. Mr. Andrews walks over and shuts off a
tape deck. He motions for the kids to get up.
MR. ANDREWS (CONT'D)
Let's head outside and we'll try out
the locker combinations on the back
of your index cards that you found
on your desk.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAYS -- DAY
MIDUS is fooling around with his locker, and it doesn't seem
to want to open. That's when the locker door next to him
swings open, and he turns his attention to it, where he sees
a beautiful girl.
EXT. POOL SIDE -- EVENING
She gets out of a pool, shakes her hair and runs her hands
through it to place it behind her back. Her name is NICOLE.
She walks seductively, like in that one movie, and then stops.
NICOLE
Ride me like a pony!
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAYS -- DAY
MIDUS is drifted off in his thoughts, while NICOLE narrows
her eyes and tilts her head.
NICOLE
I said, are you like... Tony?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
Midus shakes his day dreaming self off, and then turns his
attention back to her.
MIDUS
What? No. I'm Midus.
NICOLE
I'm Nicole. That locker's Tony's.
You're on this side. Maybe that's
why you're having problems.
Midus smacks his own forehead.
MIDUS
If only things were that simple.
Nicole chuckles a bit as Midus goes to his correct locker,
and fiddles with the knob.
NICOLE
So Midus, huh? That's kinda weird
for a name.
MIDUS
Yeah, well, there's a whole reason
for it.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
The DOCTOR is delivering MIDUS with MIDUS' MOTHER on the
table. MIDUS' FATHER is there holding her hand.
DOCTOR
Awh Mr. and Mrs. Steele, it's a boy!
The doctor inspects the baby.
DOCTOR (CONT'D)
And he's wearing a gold ring?!?
MIDUS' FATHER
So THAT's where my wedding ring went.
Thank you doctor! Thank you so much!
The father grabs the ring off the babies hand and puts it
back on his own.
MIDUS' FATHER (CONT'D)
See honey? I told you I didn't leave
it at the strip joint.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAYS -- DAY
MIDUS and NICOLE stand there confused. Neither of them really
get the story, so there's an awkward silence as Midus turns
his attention back to his locker. That's when he opens it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
MIDUS
Ta-Freakin'-Da!
Nicole coyly smiles, as Midus returns it. He shuts the door,
and walks away.
INT. LUNCHROOM -- DAY
JACKSON is walking around the lunchroom, tray in hand, as he
spots MIDUS, who waves him over. But before he can sit, VAL
takes the final seat at the table. Jackson walks over, none
too pleased.
JACKSON
Yo, what's up with this?
VAL
It was an empty seat. It IS a free
country last time I checked.
JACKSON
This is why the republicans should
be in power.
EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP -- FLASHBACK
An elderly man is pulling a sword out of the ground.
ELDERLY MAN
I HAVE THE POWER!
INT. LUNCHROOM -- CONTINUOUS
MIDUS and VAL stare slackjawed at JACKSON.
MIDUS
Where do I start with how wrong this
is? Okay. First off, they ARE in
power. Second off, you're not a
republican.
JACKSON
First off, as of this moment, I am a
republician. Second off, I can't
believe you people would let Skeletor
take over this country! You people
make me sick.
Jackson storms off, but returns a split second later with a
chair.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
I just realized Skeletor's a fictional
character. Please. Go on.
A bunch of hall monitors in the background get all angry and
go to charge forward, but wind up crashing into one another.
No one says anything in response to Jackson's thoughts.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
So I was watching National Geographic
the other day...
Midus brings out a Zippo and begins to flicker it by Jackson's
pants.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
What the hell are you doing?
MIDUS
You don't even have basic cable...
JACKSON
So?
MIDUS
SO! You're lying.
JACKSON
And?
MIDUS
And... I'm lighting your pants on
fire.
JACKSON
That isn't a literal phrase Midus.
Jackson gets to his feet, and starts to stamp out the fire
on his jeans with his hands. He stop drops, and rolls away.
MIDUS
It SHOULD be, this is hillarious!
Midus takes a marshmellow and begins to roast it over an
enflamed Jackson.
VAL
Shouldn't you be helping him?
MIDUS
And miss out on freshly roasted
Marshmellows? Where ARE your
priorities?!
END OF ACT ONE
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
ACT TWO
EXT. SCHOOL HALLWAYS -- AFTERNOON
JACKSON and MIDUS are walking, as VAL has been left behind
for whatever reason. Numerous other students pass by.
JACKSON
She's rude, she's obnoxious.
MIDUS
(Sarcastically)
She's everything you are.
JACKSON
I know! She's stealing my bit!
MIDUS
Dude, she's not. She's kind, a bit
innocent. I'd even venture Pure.
JACKSON
Yeah, pure evil. Totally filled with
Venomous rage.
MIDUS
Now you're thinking of yourself again.
JACKSON
Urgh! She's even stealing my venomous
rage! That's MY venomous rage!
MIDUS
How many times are you going to say
venomous rage?
JACKSON
Prolly until my tongue twists.
Midus and Jackson turn into a doorway, where...
INT. SCHOOL SCIENCE LAB -- AFTERNOON
JACKSON and MIDUS walk into the lab, where they see both
NICOLE and VAL standing around. Midus coyly smiles, which
confuses Val as she misreads. That's when the bell rings.
PROFESSOR INATION
Alright everyone, on the blackboard
behind me are your lab group.S You'll
be split up into fours, which will
also have mini groups of two partners
each. Certain experiments you'll be
working with all four of your lab
mates, while other times it will
just be the two of you. Join your
groups, and get to know each other.
(MORE)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
PROFESSOR INATION (CONT'D)
We'll then go around the room and
say one thing about the other people
in our groups, so we can get to know
one another.
Jackson and Midus look to the board, and see their names
together. They head over to their table, where Nicole and
Val await.
MIDUS
... Was anyone else expecting this?
Jackson and Val raise their hands, as Nicole just stands
there, a bit confused.
JACKSON
Urgh, figures.
VAL
So, which one of us is God punishing
by placing us together?
EXT. HEAVEN -- FLASHBACK
GODD is sitting at a desk, with a paper in his hands. The
paper has all their names on it, with checks by them.
GODD
Take MY name in vain, will you!?!
Crosses their names off the list. A servant walks in.
SERVANT
Godd! That's the wrong list! They're
good people! They shouldn't be getting
coal!
GODD
Not only is Godd infalible, he also
is NOT Santa Claus!
Godd points, and the servant burns. Savil walks up, eating
an apple.
SAVIL
And I'm the Evil one?
INT. SCHOOL SCIENCE LAB -- CONTINUOUS
Same setting as before.
MIDUS
Is that really an issue?
VAL
I think it's me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
12.
NICOLE
Did I miss something?
MIDUS
Everything. Be thankful. It's just
Jackson and his venomous rage.
JACKSON
Must... Harm... Val!
MIDUS
Do the Happy dance Jackson.
JACKSON
No! Screw you and your BASEketball
reference! No one else watched that
movie Midus, get over it!
MIDUS
Oh you take that back! BASEketball
was the Theatrtical genius of whatever
year it came out in.
JACKSON
My ASS, was the theatrical genius...
of that... year?
Midus and Jackson have a brief stare off, as Val walks over
to Nicole.
VAL
Can you believe them two?
NICOLE
I'm so confused. All you people and
your prexisting relationships! I
feel like I did when I went to my
brother's birthday party.
INT. STAR TREK STYLED ROOM
NICOLE is there with her OLDER BROTHER, and he's working on
the controls of a cardboard box. They each have crummy
birthday hats on.
OLDER BROTHER
Phazers up to full power! Initiate!
NICOLE
Are you like... speaking English?
The Older Brother lowers his head in shame.
OLDER BROTHER
I am so alone...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
13.
INT. SCHOOL SCIENCE LAB -- CONTINUOUS
JACKSON, MIDUS, VAL, and NICOLE take their seats as the
Science Teacher Professor Ination whistles to gain their
attention.
PROFESSOR INATION
Well, it seems like our exercise is
over! Let's go over to our first
table here.
He walks over to our main characters, whom none seem happy.
PROFESSOR INATION (CONT'D)
(mumbling)
These little jerk wads should be
wearing name tags...
(aloud)
So...
He looks at his notes.
PROFESSOR INATION (CONT'D)
Midus! What did you learn about your
group mates?
Midus stammers a bit.
MIDUS
Well, the bastards haven't seen
BASEketball yet.
PROFESSOR INATION
Who has? Jackson, what did you learn
about your group mates today?
JACKSON
Uhmmm.... two of them have breasts?
Awkward pause.
PROFESSOR INATION
I guess you're technically correct.
JACKSON
Of course, three of them have pus....
PROFESSOR INATION
(interrupting)
Moving on!
EXT. SCHOOL YARD -- AFTERNOON
JACKSON and MIDUS walk out from the school building. NICOLE
is by Midus' side.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
14.
NICOLE
So, you wanna get started on that
Chem project tonight?
MIDUS
Uhmmm... How can I put this without
hurting your feelings? I'm a
procrastinator. I'm a procrastinator
from a long line of procrastinators,
dating all the way back to my great
great great great tons more great
grandfather, C. Procrastinator Steele.
INT. CONNETICUIT -- FLASHBACK
A CHILD is playing with a rifle up in an attic. You can see
the word Lexington and Concord on a newspaper, the date is
April 15th, 1775. That's when the small child points the gun
outside, as the father reads the paper in his hands on a
wide angle shot of him on a rocking chair.
WIFE (V.O.)
Honey? Can you take the rifle out of
Junior's hands?
HUSBAND
Sure! I'll get right on it.
A shot is heard. The husband sits up, looks at his son, and
then hears major commotion outside. Tons more gun shots are
heard in the background. His eyes are opened wide in shock
and horror.
EXT. SCHOOL YARD -- CONTINUOUS
NICOLE stares blankly as MIDUS shakes his head. They keep
walking.
MIDUS
Sure, I guess I can't jokey rhyme my
way out of this one.
NICOLE
That... didn't rhyme.
Nicole shrugs, and walks off.
MIDUS
Wow, she is so...
JACKSON
Oblivious.
Midus starts off stargazed.
MIDUS
Yeah.... wait, no. I'm sorry. All I
hear when you talk is static.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
15.
Jackson pulls out a large cardboard sign that says "You're a
douche."
MIDUS (CONT'D)
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words will never hurt me!
Jackson shrugs, and starts to beat Midus down with the
cardboard sign.
MIDUS (CONT'D)
Ah! The Words are hurting me! All I
was taught is a lie!
END OF ACT TWO
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
16.
ACT THREE
INT. MIDUS' ROOM -- EVENING
MIDUS is pacing, talking on the phone. We can hear the voice
on the other end, and it's NICOLE'S.
MIDUS
No, no, it's not that, it's just
that, I don't even know what Chemistry
is.
NICOLE
Just come over. I doubt we'll get
any work done, but if we're working
together the entire year, we should
probably get to know one another.
MIDUS
I don't know, I don't do well in
these types of situation.
INT. SMALL ROOM -- FLASHBACK -- EVENING
A bunch of people are sitting in a circle. MIDUS is there as
well.
MIDUS
Hi everyone! I'm Midus.
Midus tugs at his collar, with everyone staring at him. He
then panics, turning away and leaps toward the nearest window.
He crashes through and screams on his way down.
MIDUS (CONT'D)
Damn you gravity!
Pause, as the board members are still looking in shock.
MIDUS (CONT'D)
I'm still falling!
More pause, and then a thud.
INT. MIDUS' ROOM -- EVENING
There's an awkward silence
NICOLE
I have tons of junk food and the
movie Tommy Boy.
Midus' eyes perk up, and he smiles.
INT. VAL'S LIVING ROOM -- EVENING
VAL and JACKSON are sitting at a table, looking through the
notes that were handed out in class about the project.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
17.
They seem to be arguing, each a little reder than normal.
JACKSON
Do you trust me?
VAL
What type of question is that? Of
course I don't trust you.
JACKSON
Okay, then why give me half of this
project to work on? You know I'm
going to screw it up and lower our
grade!
VAL
I think it's worth the grade loss to
see you suffer. Listen. This isn't
helping Jackson, we need to figure
out how we're going to do this.
JACKSON
I told you how we're going to do
this already! You go and do this and
I'll go home and watch the Simpsons.
VAL
No.
JACKSON
Okay, how about my original idea
before I tried weaseling out of my
responsibilities.
(to self)
Damn Weasel traps.
VAL
No! That's so basic! We have to think
outside the box.
JACKSON
Think outside the box? What the hell
does that even mean!
INT. OFFICE -- FLASHBACK
JACKSON, now older, sits in his office desk, along with
numerous other businesss men around him.
BUSINESS MAN #1
You have to think outside the box!
JACKSON
But I'm not in a box.
BUSINESS MAN #2
No, but you are! A metaphorical one!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
18.
JACKSON
What the hell are you talking about?
The only box I'm trapped in is this
box of Mime box of Mimeocity.
Jackson does a mime routine, pretending he's trapped inside
of a box. The rest of the business men don't seem to care.
Jackson sighs.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
See! I'm no wacky mime!
Jackson groans, and walks away. He returns with an actual
cardboard box, and climbs inside.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
NOW I'm in a bleeding box! Happy?
Now I'm just going to think OUTSIDE
the box.
The box jumps up off the ground, as if Jackson was trying to
break through, but he's unsuccessful. The box flops back to
the ground and rolls forward onto its top side, causing
Jackson not to be able to simply climb out through the
original opening.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
Little help?
INT. VAL'S LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
JACKSON and VAL sit there just like before.
JACKSON
I don't know why I suddenly became
British there...
INT. NICOLE'S LIVING ROOM -- EVENING
NICOLE and MIDUS sit, watching Tommy Boy and eating some
snack foods.
NICOLE
You know what band I'm loving right
now?
Midus shakes his head no.
NICOLE (CONT'D)
The White Stripes.
MIDUS
Oh, I love them too. 'Spec that Fell
in Love with a Girl song.
Suddenly, they turn into Legos like in the video "Fell in
Love with a Girl." They also somehow have instruments.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
19.
They look down at one another, and then bail, Midus' guitar
spinning in the air alongside Nicole's drumsticks.
INT. VAL'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
VAL and JACKSON are still sitting there, neither one seems
to be working. Val is more studious looking, tapping her
pencil against her notebook rhymically.
JACKSON
Remember that time I went back in
time?
VAL
No. Mostly because that's impossible,
but also because I just met you today.
JACKSON
Oh.... right.
Awkward silence, yet again Val continued her tapping.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
Remember when I shot Kennedy?
EXT. MTV'S SET -- FLASHBACK
KENNEDY, the MTV VJ, is there, shuffling papers. That's when
the door opens behind her dramatically.
JACKSON
Miss Kennedy... WE MEET AGAIN!
He charges forward and tackles her to the ground.
INT. VAL'S LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Same scene as before. VAL audibly sighs.
VAL
Someone kill me now.
Dr. Kevorkian appears.
DR.KEVORKIAN
Allow me miss!
JACKSON frowns.
JACKSON
Doctor Kevorkian! Where DID you come
from.
DR.KEVORKIAN
I am death's fatal handshake. The
black cloak of doom. The shadow of
destruction. I am absolute. I am
everywhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
20.
Small pause.
DR.KEVORKIAN (CONT'D)
And the door was open.
Jackson stands up, about to act.
JACKSON
Euthanize THIS!
He holds up a picture of the Golden Girls.
DR.KEVORKIAN
Believe me, I've tried.
He looks away.
DR.KEVORKIAN (CONT'D)
Is that dip?
JACKSON
Don't you need a chip first?
DR.KEVORKIAN
And diminish from the taste of
fantastic salsa?!
He walks away. Jackson slowly turns to Val.
JACKSON
I like monkeys!
Val groans, slamming her school book shut as she walks out
of frame.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
No, seriously. I really do like
monkeys. Here, I drew one here while
I was busy pretending that I'm doing
our school project!
Jackson holds up a picture of Optimus Prime.
VAL (V.O.)
That's NOT a monkey!
JACKSON
He can turn into one!
INT. NICOLE'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
NICOLE and MIDUS are watching Tommy Boy on the couch, not
doing their chemistry project. There's some tension, before
both reach for a chip in the dish in front of them. Their
hands meet, and Midus pulls back a small bit.
MIDUS
Sorry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
21.
Nicole picks a chip, and Midus does as well.
MIDUS (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She's so beautiful, and she's here.
And you're watching a movie, what
you're supposed to be quote unquote
watching while on a date. And you're
within arms distance from her. So
what do you have to lose. Besides
pride, my fragile ego, my frail
sanity, and possibly my arm if she
really took offense and wanted to
rip it off. Then I'd be Midus OneArm
Steele, waving around my hands like
I just don't care. But wait a minute.
I won't be able to wave around my
hands. I'll only be able to wave
around my HAND. And THAT'S not cool.
But if my hand WAS ripped off, I
could qualify for the special
Olympics. And I'm ten times faster
than any other parapalegic out there!
Nicole raises her eyebrows, and turns her head to Midus.
NICOLE
What are you thinking about?
Midus stammers. And then he thinks to the side. A couple of
options appear Family Feud next to him, with the question of
"What to say to this question."
NARRATOR
Okay! Answer number four... YOU!
Answer number three... the stars.
Answer number two... the movie! And
the number one answer is...
A few audible dings inside Midus' head.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
FAMILY FEUD!
NICOLE
Midus? You've been thinking a bit
too long.
MIDUS
Louie Anderson.
NICOLE
The guy who hosted Family Feuds?
MIDUS
What? No. The fat guy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
22.
INT. VAL'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
JACKSON is balancing a bunch of plates all over his body.
He's also on one leg, very much like a Dr. Suess book.
JACKSON
See! I told you I could balance your
Family's entire China set.
VAL
I never said you couldn't, I said
you shouldn't!
JACKSON
Oh, this makes my proving you wrong
slightly less meaningful.
And that's when he collapses, breaking everything.
VAL
Who didn't see that coming?
Jackson raises his hand from the wreckage.
INT. NICOLE'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
MIDUS and NICOLE are working on the project together.
NICOLE
So, what other bands do you listen
to besides the Stripes?
MIDUS
You know, basics. Radiohead, Phantom
Planet, Alkaline Trio. And the not
so basics. Postal Service, Mars Volta,
the Pixies.
NICOLE
Those are basics?
INT. VAL'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
VAL is just staring JACKSON down. Jackson sits there, looking
at his paper, and then turns to Val, whom he noticed staring
at him.
JACKSON
What?
VAL
Nothing. I'm just expecting SOMETHING
to happen.
JACKSON
What? Are you expecting me to screw
up again? Cuz I'm not a stupid klutz
like you all seem to want to believe.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
23.
Jackson puts his foot up on the table, but it's glass, so
his feet smash right through it.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
I'm gone.
Jackson picks up his feet and books and leaves asap.
INT. NICOLE'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
The movie is coming to a close, and NICOLE is watching
intently, but MIDUS is staring at Nicole out of the corner
of his eye, his head resting on his arm that's perched on an
arm rest. Nicole notices, and Midus fumbles.
NICOLE
What were you doing?
Midus sighs.
MIDUS (V.O.)
This is everything I’ve ever wanted.
My entire life, every time I saw the
first star in the evening sky, I
wished for this moment to come. What
do I have to lose?
There's a slight pause.
MIDUS (CONT'D)
Nothing.
NICOLE
Nothing?
MIDUS
(dejected)
Nothing.
A slow pan out, as Midus lowers his head in shame. Into a
full shot of the house, before we pan out of what looks to
be a television set. There are a bunch of EXECUTIVES there,
viewing the show in silence.
EXECUTIVE #1
Sure. Just throw it on at 8:30 on
Tuesdays.
EXECUTIVE #2
But we have something else going on
there in three weeks time! A REALITY
show!
EXECUTIVE #1
We'll MOVE it then! Not the reality
show of course, cuz that'd be stupid.
(MORE)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
24.
EXECUTIVE #1 (CONT'D)
Does it look like anyone CARES about
scripted comedies anymore? Just throw
it up against Friends and let it die
a slow and painful death like every
other promising show we've ever had.
EXECUTIVE #3
I think it lacked mittens to be an
effective television show!
EXECUTIVE #1
What did we say about grown ups
talking?
EXECUTIVE #2
(Whispers to Exec #1)
I know he's your brother, but did
you have to hire him? Even after he
quote unquote accidentily set himself
on fire trying to turn into a Human
Supernova?
EXECUTIVE #1
He's got TWICE the brains you have!
Executive #3 is playing with toy brains resembling something
out of Futurama.
EXECUTIVE #3
It's FUN to squeeze things! I wonder
if my brain is squishy too!
EXECUTIVE #2
We aren't going to get anywhere if
we don't take risks! With all due
respect sir.
EXECUTIVE #1
Did you say the "r" word?!? You are
SO fired!
EXECUTIVE #3
AHHHHH!!!!
Pan to Executive #3 playing with his brain, which he's taken
out of his skull. He falls over.
EXECUTIVE #3 (CONT'D)
Rosebud...
The brain rolls down the stairs and the final shot of it is
the brain cracking open as if it were made of glass. That's
when Jackson's face appears as if it were a Looney Tunes
finale.
JACKSON
B-B-B-B-That's all folks!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
25.
The circle around him expands slightly and contracts, before
warping itself around Jackson's neck.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
AH! It's choking me! Get it off. GET
IT OFF!
END OF ACT THREEMain Script Writer and Creater: Thomas Ford
Original Draft Doctor: Michael Renner
Revised Draft Doctor: Tim Kelly