Generation LMNOP : Episode 5 : Jacksonlantern
Completed as of January 6th, 2004 TEASER INT. BLACK SCREEN NARRATOR On a very special Gen LMNOP Jackson appears in a bathroom, lathered up and attempting to shave. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Jackson goes through early stages of puberty. He shaves himself, and shaves a layer of skin off his cheek. JACKSON Oh God! Searing. Searing pain! NARRATOR Midus finally tells Nicole how he feels. MIDUS appears in the school hallway, shoving NICOLE against the nearest locker and kisses her. NARRATOR (CONT'D) And Val. Well, she joins the Cheerleading team. VAL does cartwheel's and jumping jacks in a cheerleader outfit, before a steam roller flattens her. NARRATOR (CONT'D) All this and more... on a very special Generation LMNOP. END OF TEASER --------------------------------------------------------------- 2. ACT ONE INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM -- MORNING MR. INATION is arguing with JOEY MALONE. JOEY MALONE It isn't quite as simple as a man descended from a monkey. Man actually descended from an accidental fart caused by the Almighty Duck of Santa Barbera. These farts came with the tune of Comfortably Numb. We are all under the thrall of the Almighty Duck of Santa Barbera, and you, with your doctorate and your professoring, cannot hope to resist it. MR. INATION How much refer have you kids been smoking these days! JOEY MALONE I do not smoke. For smoking goes against the will of the Almighty Duck of Santa Barbera. Those who smoke shall feel the burn of the Duck's wrath. You call it lung cancer. I call it divine retribution. MIDUS, JACKSON, VAL, and NICOLE all sit. JACKSON They've been going at it for the entire class period. NICOLE Hey, look at the bright side. No quiz. JACKSON There's ALWAYS an upside. NICOLE So Midus, since we have this free time... MR. INATION (Screaming) PHYSICS IS LAW! IT'S INATE! IT CAN NOT BE CONTROLLED! Midus turns away. NICOLE I wanted to talk to you. --------------------------------------------------------------- 3. Midus shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Jackson holds up a paper football, and Val puts up uprights, as the "camera" zooms in past them. MIDUS 'Bout what? EDDIE CHENO burst into scene, holding something in his hand that's probably going to be blurred out. EDDIE CHENO Yo Midus mang! Ya gotsa be tryin' dis shiznit yo! It be off da funken hook yo! Mr. Ination turns away from his arguement for a moment. MR. INATION Is THAT what I think it is? Cheno shrugs. EDDIE CHENO It'd be dependin' on watcha think it be yo. MR. INATION I think that's a marijuana cigarette. Eddie starts laughing uncontrollably. SCOTT and LINK are there, and they join in. SCOTT Did you hear how he said Marijuana?!? LINK It's like he was a badly translated Japanese RPG! Cheno and Scott stop laughing and look at Link with cold stares. He keeps laughing unbenownst. MR. INATION All of you! Down to the Principal's office, this second! EDDIE CHENO Wat mang. Ya pissed we ain't sharin', cuz ya can get in da funken funny circle yo. SCOTT I wonder why they took Pete and Pete off the air. EDDIE CHENO Dat Ellen chick prolly got mad knocked up yo. --------------------------------------------------------------- 4. MR. INATION TO THE PRINCIPAL, NOW! (turns to Joey) At least now I know where all that crap was coming from. Young Cheno's second hand smoke! MIDUS Since when did our high school become a low budget Cheech and Chong movie? The paper football flies over Jackson and pokes Alicia Fnord in the eye. ALICIA FNORD My eye! My eye! JACKSON (O.S.) (yelling) At least now you can't watch that crappy Will and Grace anymore! ALICIA FNORD I HATE YOU! JACKSON (O.S.) (yelling) LIKEWISE! JOEY MALONE I sat nowhere near Sir Cheno of Eddie. The smoke bothers me not. I have risen above the plane of the existence of second hand smoke. I have journied to a plane of existence where I only have to expierence second hand dimensions. Now, I can do this. Joey floats in mid-air. MR. INATION You stop proving physics wrong this very instance! That's when the bell rings. Everything stops. The only things that move are MIDUS and NICOLE. It's all we see. NICOLE Midus... that dance was... it was great. MIDUS I can't believe how amazing that dance was. Nicole, you are so beautiful. NICOLE You made me feel safe. --------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Midus goes to lean in for a kiss. Nicole doesn't have time to react, but that's when everyone starts moving again all around them. Midus however, is still in the same spot he was just seconds before the Midus/Nicole exchange was given. It was actually all just a fantasy. NICOLE (CONT'D) We still need to talk, okay? Midus doesn't say anything and simply nods his head. Nicole grabs her books and heads off. Val does the same, following her out. Jackson smacks Midus' shoulder. JACKSON Yo dude, you look worse than death. DEATH is in the corner. DEATH HEY! That's not.... (Lowers head in shame, change of voice) You're right. I'm disgusting. INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE -- DAY EDDIE CHENO, SCOTT, and LINK all walk into scene. JACK HARMEN and TONY DAVIS are already there. EDDIE CHENO Yo Jack mang! Why ya be here yo? TONY DAVIS It was totally awesome! We filled the school's pool with jello and then pushed the girls in our gym class into it. JACK HARMEN For some reason, I don't think Kate liked it very much. EDDIE CHENO Everybody be likin' funken jello yo. JACK HARMEN That's what Bill Cosby says. Harmen Shrugs. They sit down. EXT. SCHOOL YARD -- DAY JACKSON and MIDUS are walking. JACKSON So, what are we doing tonight? We gonna paint the town red? --------------------------------------------------------------- 6. MIDUS I would, but I ran out of red paint while making this picture. Midus holds up a picture of stick figure Midus brutally stabbing stick figure Jackson. MIDUS (CONT'D) I'm told I have quite the artistic gift. JACKSON By who? Blind people? ALICIA FNORD runs by, still holding her eyes. ALICIA FNORD WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE HELP ME?!? She runs into a basketball pole and falls down. MIDUS and JACKSON step over her, but JACKSON kicks her ribs as he does so. JACKSON No, but Halloween. It's when the ghost and goblins come out. MIDUS That's actually a myth. JACKSON What? MIDUS They find the whole Halloween thing hokey like the pokey. JACKSON Do I have to hit you again? MIDUS Probably. JACKSON But let me suggest a novel idea... PARTY! MIDUS Where? JACKSON My house. I'm going to find all the tools neccessary to throw a SWANK ass party! MIDUS Why swank? --------------------------------------------------------------- 7. JACKSON Well, no one says Cool anymore. MIDUS No. No one says swank anymore. JACKSON You've just been crossed off the VIP list. MIDUS Who IS on your VIP list? JACKSON Me. I don't know why I said you were on it, cuz you never were. MIDUS Oh. I'm going to lose so much sleep about that. JACKSON You'd better! I'm summoning insomnia demons! MIDUS Is this like last time when you bought all those sheep? INT. MIDUS' ROOM -- NIGHT MIDUS is sleeping. JACKSON peers in through the window, and begins throwing sheep at him. JACKSON ONE. (throws another, and repeats) TWO! THREE! EXT. SCHOOL YARD -- CONTINUOUS They're still there. JACKSON You were awake for weeks. MIDUS I remember. Make me feel like Edward Norton! Midus punches Jackson and knocks him down. MIDUS (CONT'D) FIGHT CLUB VERSION TWO IS ON! --------------------------------------------------------------- 8. JACKSON AH! THE FIRST RULE ABOUT FIGHT CLUB IS NOT TO TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB! NICOLE They're fighting again. VAL They're worse than professional wrestlers. Wanna force them to go trick or treating? NICOLE Sure! END OF ACT ONE --------------------------------------------------------------- 9. ACT TWO EXT. STREETS -- NIGHT JACKSON, MIDUS, NICOLE, VAL stand there. Neither of the boys look happy. Jackson is dressed like a pimp, Nicole is dressedYlike an Angel, Val is in a suit with a leadger in her hands. Midus' costume is unseen. JACKSON My party idea is way cooler. NICOLE In theory. MIDUS Just like communism. Ha! Your parties like communism! NICOLE What IS your costume anyway? Midus reveals his undershirt, which has a name tag that says "God," with the words "the Sky Bully" written underneath it. VAL So, you're God? Don't you think God'll be pissed? NICOLE Well, technically he's Oz. MIDUS You watch? NICOLE I watch. I loved. I cried. JACKSON Pimps up, Hoes down! MIDUS Yes Jackson. We all saw your costume. You're a pimp. JACKSON But I'm guessing you all didn't see the documentary. MIDUS Neither did you! You just cry out "Pimps up, Hoes down" every time we enter a video store because you saw the box art once. The girls look toward Jackson, who is timid and laughing. --------------------------------------------------------------- 10. JACKSON It had a pimp on the cover. INT. PARTY -- NIGHT ALICIA FNORD, wearing an eye patch, is talking to some other girl. Let's call her Sarah Jones. SARAH JONES Hey? Where's Nicole? ALICIA FNORD Oh, she's out with that jackass Jackson doing God knows what. Can you believe he dislikes Will and Grace? He's just a closet Homo. Can't see the world for what it is. SARAH JONES I thought she hated him... and speaking of seeing... what happened to your eye? Pause, as Alicia gets quite angry. ALICIA FNORD Get out of my party. Now. She's quite timid, stuttering. ALICIA FNORD (CONT'D) SECURITY! I SAID NOW! The security guards from the Homecoming episode walk over and drag the girl kicking and screaming away. SARAH JONES You can't do this! Someday the unpopular and plain kids will form an alliance! And they'll come back to school with a plan to beat up all the popular kids until they're uglier than us! REMEMBER THIS DAY! MARK MY WORDS! COLUMBINE 2.0... 100 % less bloodshed, 100 % more effective! EXT. STREETS -- NIGHT JACKSON is walking in front, backwards, talking to MIDUS. VAL and NICOLE are there as well. JACKSON Well! Ask me! MIDUS Ask you what! --------------------------------------------------------------- 11. JACKSON Ask me if you're going to get a trick or a treat! MIDUS I'm not asking you anything. Jackson sighs, and slaps Midus on the side of his head. JACKSON See, now that'd been funny if you played along and I coulda said you were getting a trick first. And... (laughs) ... No. I tried making it funny by laughing but it just didn't work like it does in TV sitcoms. Jackson turns around and joins them. MIDUS You're basing your take of reality on laugh tracks? Jackson, rarely, if ever, does the tv tell the truth. JACKSON How dare you! Blasphemer! NICOLE Heh, I just realized Midus got bitchslapped. JACKSON Like the ho that he is! VAL JACKSON! JACKSON What? VAL You can't say hoe on television! You can say "ho ho ho," like Santa Claus, but you can't call Midus a whore. JACKSON Oh. (turns to Midus and points) Ho ho ho... Have a very crappy Christmas! MIDUS You know Jackson. I just hope you realize that Santa Claus is real. (MORE) --------------------------------------------------------------- 12. MIDUS (CONT'D) And he's going to climb down your Chimney on Christmas Eve, and he's going to realize you're the one that mocked his catch phrase? And then? He's going to go fifteen hundreds on your ass and disembowel you with his lack sack of weapons. NICOLE We are saying sack way too much today. VAL But it's okay. Because we're talking about a sack of objects. Jackson holds his crotch. JACKSON I've got objects right here! And they ARE quiet large! VAL Really? What are they? Can I see? JACKSON Well, if you insis- MIDUS No. Believe me Val. You don't want to see. NICOLE Really. Trust me. VAL But now I'm Curious! Midus points behind them. MIDUS No. That's Curious. Enter : Curious George. He attacks Jackson. JACKSON Ah! I'm having a flashback to that damned dirty ape from the standardized test! Jackson is on ground level, looking up. JACKSON (CONT'D) Wow. Business skirts rule. Jackson screams. --------------------------------------------------------------- 13. JACKSON (CONT'D) IT'S IN MY EYE AGAIN! Why won't you people DO something! MIDUS But we are. We're watching. Val walks up to a person's house, and rings the bell. She gets an answer, and it's an elderly couple. VAL Trick or treat! Or we'll cancel your favorite shows with loopholes and false Neilson ratings! They reply by hurridly throwing candy into her bag. She smiles, and walks away. JACKSON (on ground) But I didn't get any can- Val drops a candy into Jackson's mouth, off screen, and he starts choking. JACKSON (CONT'D) I taste the paper! MIDUS Don't forget the monkey poo. JACKSON Like I could. INT. PARTY -- EVENING Everyone's having a good time. EDDIE CHENO, SCOTT, and LINK are there, smoking up in the corner. ALICIA walks over quite angry. ALICIA FNORD What are you guys doing! SCOTT What's it look like? ALICIA FNORD Take it outside! EDDIE CHENO We be takin' a funken illegal activity in da funken open womang? ALICIA FNORD This is ILLEGAL!?! They look at each other, and burst into laughter. --------------------------------------------------------------- 14. EDDIE CHENO Yo. Ya really funken cool. Wanna funken dance? ALICIA FNORD To the rhytem? Like Gloria Estefane?!? EDDIE CHENO (to Scott) Yo, dat biznitch be in our 'glish class? SCOTT Hell if I know. I'm never there. They dance. Follow toward JACK HARMEN, JOEY MALONE, TONY DAVIS, KATE YOUNG, KERI LINDUM, and TAMMY CRADLE. Joey is floating the punch, and serves JACK BREAKER some. He smiles. JAKE WALKER is next, and takes the punch. He walks to Flyer. JAKE WALKER Trade you this for some snow! JACK HARMEN Does it look like I barter? JAKE WALKER You traded snow for that time machine of yours! JACK HARMEN Yeah. Cuz it's a TIME MACHINE. You're offering me punch. JAKE WALKER I'm also offering you the cup it comes in. Harmen thinks. JACK HARMEN I think I'm going to say yes! Walker is ecstatic. JACK HARMEN (CONT'D) No wait. What's the opposite of Yes? (thinks) NO! That's it! Jake Walker lowers his head to cry in a corner. JOEY MALONE No possesses the essence of yes, except that there is an extra letter involved. That letter slaps the other two letters and tells them to behave. (MORE) --------------------------------------------------------------- 15. JOEY MALONE (CONT'D) Thus, the word "yes" is really a whipped version of the word "no". They all look at him stunned like. JACK HARMEN Just keep floating your punch bowl there charley. TONY DAVIS Dude, why are you so P to the O? JACK HARMEN Oh, it's Kate. She's been hanging out with Tammy and Keri way too much. I haven't seen her much, and we come here, and I see her even less. TONY DAVIS Dude, you can see her. She's right there! Tony points toward the group of girls, and Jack just slaps his forehead and walks away. Joey looks at him sternly. JOEY MALONE (O.S.) Jack speaks in terms of essence. He cannot see the essence of Kate. He cannot focus on her aura in order to see her. Long story short, I should probably float you over a brain. TONY DAVIS Make sure it's Einstein's. Follow Harmen into a new group. One that includes G.I. BRO, JUNIOR "SNAKEHIPS" JOHNSON, AND SEAN LANDETA. They are discussing things. G.I. BRO This music does not approve G.I. Bro! Someone is going to get the Army Bar! JUNIOR "SNAKEHIPS" JOHNSON SNAKE CRUSH! G.I. BRO Not yet Johnson, we have to wait for the right time. Damnit Sean! Sean Landeta is stuffing his face. G.I. BRO (CONT'D) Stop stuffing your face. --------------------------------------------------------------- 16. SEAN LANDETA I'm just sad. G.I. BRO Why, cuz everyone calls you Bolony Tits? SEAN LANDETA They DO?!! Sean cries. He runs off, into the door. EXT. STREETS -- CONTINUOUS MIDUS, JACKSON, VAL, and NICOLE are awaiting outside. They knock on the door, and it opens to ALICIA, who's obviously having a party behind them. They're quite shocked, to say the least. ALICIA FNORD Uhmmmm... Hi? Long pause. END OF ACT TWO --------------------------------------------------------------- 17. ACT THREE INT. PARTY -- CONTINUOUS They're still there, opposite sides of the door. ALICIA FNORD You want a treat, right? NICOLE Considering you've already given us a trick, I think we're deserving of a treat. Alicia scratches the back of her neck. That's when EDDIE CHENO walks up into frame and wraps his arms around Alicia. EDDIE CHENO Yo fly biznitch, wat da siznitch yo. They all look at him funny. MIDUS Did... we all just go deftly stupid? Jackson punches Eddie. MIDUS (CONT'D) I guess there's further to fall... JACKSON You're touching my woman! VAL You can't OWN a woman! ALICIA FNORD Even if you could, you couldn't own me! You couldn't own anyone! Not even Eddie! MIDUS Okay. Let's derail this away from Slavery. Please. I don't need Val on me with some sort of restraining order. Jackson gets up, and Eddie gets up. EDDIE CHENO I ain't pickin' nah funkin' cotton mang. MIDUS Okay. Does no one listen to me? Nicole leans in. --------------------------------------------------------------- 18. NICOLE Apparently. JACKSON Fine! Where ARE my bitches! I gotsa get paid! Pimp daddy Jackson is in da HIZHOUSE! MIDUS Jackson. No one understands what you're saying. EDDIE CHENO Nah mang, I get diz funker crystal funken clear mang. MIDUS (to Eddie) You aren't helping. Nicole sighs. She rips off the bottom to her top as an Angel and joins Jackson's side. MIDUS (CONT'D) Nicole?!? What the hell are you doing? NICOLE If it'll calm the riots, I'll be not only an Angel, but a Hoe. Jackson smiles. Midus rolls his eyes. ALICIA FNORD (to Nicole) I hope you're happy with your Will and Grace HATER! Alicia storms off. Jackson calls after. JACKSON Oh come on! You can't fault me for having taste! You don't yell at a cripple for hating Will and Grace, do you?!?! Cuz they're all crippled! What would you do if I suddenly became crippled?!? What! MIDUS (angerly) I'd imagine we'd all throw a parade. Jackson does one of those fake laughs, and him and Nicole walk off into the party. Midus is obviously fuming, and Val is there to try to comfort him. MIDUS (CONT'D) 3-2-1... 1-2-3... what the heck is bothering me. --------------------------------------------------------------- 19. VAL I think it's Jackson. Midus looks at Val, and rolls his eyes once again. Later in the evening it seems, JACKSON and NICOLE are dancing. Midus is stewing by the punch bowl. JOEY MALONE pours drinks. JOEY MALONE Your aura indicates that you are indeed angry in some way, and I feel compelled to inquire as to the nature of why you are in this status. MIDUS You know, most people would just say "What's wrong." JOEY MALONE As an individual rather than the mere concept of 'most people', I prefer to make my statements in a manner that is of a higher plane amongst other individuals. MIDUS In other words, you go on tangents instead of making things simple. JOEY MALONE More or less. MIDUS Things are rarely simple... I'm just looking to curl up in a quiet alone though. Midus walks off, before Joey can say anything. This causes Joey to pour the punch on the carpet of the house. He looks down. JOEY MALONE (soft) Oh dear. Tony walks over to comfort him. TONY DAVIS Well, at least that's better than punching a wall. Davis cracks himself up. Off screen, there's a large smash sound. Both Joey and Tony jump, and divert their attention. Midus hand is by the wall, and Val immediatly walks over. From the angle, it looks like Midus' hand went through, but it didn't, as he just really really hurt it. He's clutching it in immense pain now. --------------------------------------------------------------- 20. VAL Oh God. What did you do now. MIDUS Promise you won't call me stupid. VAL No. Stupid. Midus smiles, and Val lightly touches his hand. NICOLE and JACKSON race over. JACKSON What did that wall ever do to you? MIDUS It's called personification Jackson. You should crack a book sometime. JACKSON What the, seriously. If you're crying and punching yourself in the genitals, say something! MIDUS You know what. You're right. (to wall) I'm sorry wall. Sorry that you bruised my fist so. When I should have just... Midus turns and punches Jackson clean across the face. Val and Nicole both looked shocked. Alicia walks into frame with a smile on her face. Nicole turns to Midus and slaps him on his shoulder. NICOLE What did you do that for! Val does the same. VAL Yeah! Jackson recovers, and charges forward. They have a brawl. It's quite long. Very Family Guyesq. Until they're too tired to go on. In mid fight... MIDUS You know what would be cool? You dying of a venerial disease in the next five seconds. Jackson tries to talk. MIDUS (CONT'D) 5-4-3-2-1. --------------------------------------------------------------- 21. Midus punches him as he says his numbers. MIDUS (CONT'D) Can't you at least do something right? Jackson gains a second wind and kicks Midus off. JACKSON Well, I'm a fairly good ass kicker. More fighting... until they're way tired... then.... EXT. PARTY -- MOMENTS LATER JACKSON and MIDUS go flying out. ALICIA is at the front door, as Cheno and a bunch of others helped. ALICIA FNORD (to Jackson) NEVER COME BACK! (To Midus after a delay) You can come back later to make a water color painting on my bedroom wall. She slams the door. They both stand up, a bit bruised and worse for the wear. JACKSON Dude, what the hell was that about?! MIDUS You know well what the hell that was about. You were moving in! JACKSON (Angry) I didn't see you pushing your way in. Girl can't wait forever for a man's lovestick. MIDUS That's it. You know, I should have just let you fight the wall. You both have the same intelligence. JACKSON I'm sorry that you're chick can't be a veggitarian long enough for your pansy ass to make a move! MIDUS You don't even want her. JACKSON A chick's a chick, right?! (MORE) --------------------------------------------------------------- 22. JACKSON (CONT'D) She's got the right plumbing. I think that's all I need her for. MIDUS Fine. You know what, screw these jokes. Screw this crap. I'm going home. Midus turns around and walks away. Jackson stews for a bit, and groans. JACKSON (Calling out) I never wanted her like that you know. Jackson lowers his head. JACKSON (CONT'D) (to himself) I was just trying to help you. AUDIENCE Awhhh.... JACKSON You're WATCHING us? NICOLE and VAL walk out, and see a battered Jackson before them. NICOLE Who's watching you? VAL What the hell happened in there! JACKSON Ghosts. Jackson turns away and walks off. Val and Nicole just stare blindly. VAL Ghosts?!? But they don't exist. JACKSON They do exist. You just can't see them. Cuz they're transparent. VAL You can still see Transparent figures! That's when a ghost appears out and scares Val down to the ground. He takes his costume off, and it's BONEKING. --------------------------------------------------------------- 23. BONEKING Wat? You no like costume? END OF ACT THREE
Main Script Writer and Creater: Thomas Ford
Script Male-Nurse: Michael Renner