Generation LMNOP : Episode 6 : Everyone, to the Principal's Office!
Completed as of January 21st, 2004 TEASER EXT. MIDUS' HOUSE -- DAY MIDUS leaves his house, bookbag tossed over his shoulder. He looks, and sees no Jackson. He shrugs, and goes on his merry way. BRITNEY SPEARS appears in frame. BRITNEY SPEARS (calling out) Don't you want to marry me! Midus doesn't respond. He just keeps walking. BRITNEY SPEARS (CONT'D) FINE! I'm going to have this relationship annuled! Midus turns around, angerly. MIDUS What relationship! BRITNEY SPEARS Oh! Is that a pop tart! She steals it out of Midus' hand and runs away. BRITNEY SPEARS (CONT'D) Yoink! Midus lowers his head, and walks away. END OF TEASER ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. ACT ONE INT. SCHOOL HALLWAYS -- DAY NICOLE and VAL are walking, and Nicole goes to her locker. She starts opening. NICOLE So, what do you think that whole thing was? Some insane manly self destruction? VAL If you noticed, they weren't really destroying themselves. They were more focused on each other. Nah, there's something larger going on in work here. Nicole opens her locker, and unloads a bunch of books. Notably, there's a picture of the four of them on her locker door. She shuts it, well, shut. VAL (CONT'D) What... was that on the locker? Nicole gets a little ancy, and that's when Jackson interrupts her stuttering. JACKSON Ladies ladies ladies! He wraps his arms around both their shoulders and tries to get them to walk down the hall. They aren't very receptive. Jackson stops, groans, and turns around. VAL Say it. JACKSON What? VAL Say it. Now. Right here and right now. JACKSON Uhmmm... it? VAL No Jackson, say you're sorry. JACKSON But... I'm not. VAL (she nods) I figured. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. JACKSON Listen, Midus' is the one with his panties in a bunch. I don't get his problem. He's always been like this. He's worse than Pete Rose! Pete Rose appears. PETE ROSE Come on Jackson. Let me back into your club. JACKSON No! You gambled! You can't get back in. PETE ROSE (shocked) But... it's a GAMBLING club! JACKSON Guards! Take him away! The two security guards walk in and pull him away, kicking and screaming. PETE ROSE I'll get you for this Jackson! You and your little dog too! He disappears behind the two swinging doors. JACKSON (Scared) Not Pepper! Val and Nicole give him a look of shock. That's when Midus appears behind them, but ignores and walks into a classroom. INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM -- CONTINUOUS MIDUS walks in, and takes his seat. EDDIE CHENO is there already, and he seems to be rolling papers. MIDUS Eddie, what the hell are you doing? EDDIE CHENO I be tryin' funken oragami yo. MIDUS Do you even know what Oragami is? EDDIE CHENO Do I funken be knowin' wat oragami is! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. Long pause. MIDUS You didn't answer the question. EDDIE CHENO Ya ain't be askin' one mang! Midus lowers his head and clanks it against the desk. More kids start filling in. Eddie puts his work away, and leans back toward Midus. EDDIE CHENO (CONT'D) Yo mang, ya care fer some funken smokage yo? MIDUS Smoking? Smoking what? EDDIE CHENO Da funken happy tobaccy. MIDUS (alarmed) Not the illegal plant! EDDIE CHENO ... And I be dinkin' I be dense yo. The Bell rings. The Professor Ination walks into the room, and JOEY floats in behind him. PROFESSOR INATION (behind him to Joey) Stop doing that! For one, it's impossible. And for two... it's just creepy. Joey takes his seat, as Ination tosses his briefcase onto his desk. Midus raises his hand, and Professor Ination nods to him. MIDUS Can I be excused from class? PROFESSOR INATION But class has just started! MIDUS What's with people not giving me a straight answer?! JACKSON (yelling) Maybe because you're curvy. And I mean your line of sexual orientation. As in, not straight. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. MIDUS Thanks. I got it the first time. And you do realize that if a joke needs explaining, it's no longer funny. JACKSON Odd, because people have been trying to explain your face for years and I still think it's hillarious. In the background, Joey Malone has made something out of nothing. Midus packs his stuff up and leaves the room. MIDUS I don't need this shit. PROFESSOR INATION Midus! Get back- (Sees Malone's object) Where the hell did you get that! And do NOT tell me you created it from nothing, because that's impossible! (turning back to Midus) I'll write you up if you leave! (turns back to Joey) And I'm writing you up for proving me wrong. Jack Harmen raises his hand. JACK HARMEN Is that really... right? PROFESSOR INATION That's it buddy, you're being written up too! EDDIE CHENO Mang! I want a funken write up! PROFESSOR INATION Fine! Write ups all around! EDDIE CHENO Wat da funk's a write up yo? INT. OUTSIDE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS The ENTIRE CLASS sits. There's a circle of them playing some cards, while Val and Nicole are off to the side. MIDUS is the only one absent. VAL Midus isn't here! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. NICOLE Yeah, well, what are they going to do, write him up? See how well that worked the first time. JACKSON gains everyone's attention. JACKSON Now, as Overlord and the cause of this mess, my first action is... VAL What? To say you're sorry? JACKSON I apologize. But I don't understand what the word sorry means. Now! Begin to Hail me as your new leader! EDDIE SCOTT POSER tackles him. EDDIE SCOTT POSER MUST SQUASH THE REBELLION! The door to the Principal's office opens, and out steps a new man, dressed in tweed and spectacles and the whole nine yards. JACKSON Woah. It's Yard sale Larry! He gives him a stern look. ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL I am Assistant Principal Steken Mud. Now, we're going to be orderly and quiet and GOD HELP ME if I have to shout. I just got over larangitis. Now. Jack Harmen? Jack Harmen raises his hand, and gets out of the circle. ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL (CONT'D) Jack, enter my office. The rest of you, CARDS ARE VORBOTEN! He swipes the cards, and enters the office behind Jack. Jackson and Poser stand, and Poser dusts himself off. JACKSON Man... welcome to Russia. Population. Jack. EDDIE SCOTT POSER Cuz he's like a dictator! I get it! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. JACKSON (Sighs) Who bothered to spawn you? END OF ACT ONE ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. ACT TWO INT. PRINCIPALS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS JACK HARMEN is sitting there awkwardly. The Principal is on the other side of the desk. ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL So, Jack. What happened? JACK HARMEN I'm guessing an astroid hit and Imation went crazy. Joey Malone sits there. JOEY MALONE The one who is called Imation seemed to lack the dairy and produce neccessary to realize the difference between right and wrong. Therefore, his head turned red like an apple, before promptly exploding. Kate Young. KATE YOUNG I dunno. I was in the bathroom. Tammy Cradle. TAMMY CRADLE I was in the bathroom too. Keri Lindum KERI LINDUM Bathroom. Eddie Scott Poser. EDDIE SCOTT POSER I had a camera, so I know EXACTLY what happened! Poser pulls out a tape labeled "Girls Bathroom." Jake Walker. JAKE WALKER Was Jack in here? I've been meaning to buy more snow. (off his glares) What?!? Snow means something else besides fluffy flakes falling from the sky? (MORE) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. JAKE WALKER (CONT'D) (he laughs) English has been paying off! Alliteration rules! Alicia Fnord, w/ eye patch. ALICIA FNORD Supposedly there was this fight you would NOT believe! See, these two guys were all like, bam bam bam at my part-social function. And they went all nuts and like and I'm like, not even sure why! Like, why'd they hit each other? And today they got into this arguement. I think one of them is gay and the other said no! My money's on Jackson. Jackson. JACKSON I know this doesn't answer your question, but I have to know. Have you ever seen a boob? You know (Makes circles with hands and squeezes) Round bundles of joy? Doug O'Hara looks from side to side, and steals the principals name bar on his desk, and then runs out of the window. As he's doing this, he said something. DOUG O'HARA Yoink! VAL. VAL I DON'T WANT TO GO TO DETENTION! I hear you can't drop the soap! Boneking. BONEKING Is dis ver ze babies are? Noah Hawkins. NOAH HAWKINS Oh, I wasn't there. I was having a smoke. (Hawkins lights up in the office) What? I'm not giving you one. Bret Hart. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. BRET HART I'm wrestling legend Bret Hart! I can't believe Vince McMahon screwed me over! AUBREY and JACK BREAKER JACK BREAKER Is this Colonel Sander's spleen!?! AUBREY I don't think so. There's other people here. Also, there's windows. JACK BREAKER And you don't think KFC chicken makes your spleen have windows? (to the assistant principal) Women. (Spots something) Oh! Candy! (Grabs it) Is it poisonous? (Off his looks) Just making sure! Sarah Jones. SARAH JONES Oh, I was sleeping. So I have no- She passes out on the desk, due to narcolepsy it seems. John Sanders. JOHN SANDERS The only thing I remember is the Hokey Pokey. (Stands on desk) You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out... (stops) Well, okay. It seems I don't remember anything. Nicole NICOLE Midus and Jackson had this fight, and it's kinda carried over to, well, the here and now. I'm not sure of what, but they took their physical stuff into verbal during the class. Coupled with Joey defying physics, Ination just snapped like a rubber band or a camel's hump or... Lorana Bobbit after being unsatisfied. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. Mysterious Birdman aka Jack Night. MYSTERIOUS BIRDMAN Cluck you. INT. ANOTHER CLASS -- CONTINUOUS Elliot A. Racey is there, and he looks perpelexed. ELLIOT A. RACEY Where the hell is my class?! EXT. ARCADE -- DAY MIDUS is walking along. He sees and arcade, and stops in. Breaking out his wallet, he only seems to have a buck. There's a bunch of people playing DDR. He sighs. MIDUS Jeez, when did people lose respect for themselves and start dancing in public. He wanders further, until he sees what he was looking for. MIDUS (CONT'D) Ah! This is it. The CLASSIC! Mortal Kombat 2. With a girl already playing it. Midus is shy, but the girl sees him and waves him over. GIRL Wanna play versus? Midus smiles halfly, and places some quarters in. GIRL (CONT'D) Hey, don't I know you from Ination's class? MIDUS You're in there. Man! Midus yells at the game and starts pounding the buttons. GIRL Yeah, name's Laura. I sit way in the back. I didn't figure you for one to skip. Midus sinks his head in. MIDUS Yeah, well, it seems you've put more quarters into this machine while skipping than I have, well, ever. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. LAURA Yeah, Lunch sucks in the caf. What are you skipping? MIDUS English. And that whole principal meeting thing. LAURA Oh yeah, when I heard the entire class was being written up, I hopped out the nearest window. MIDUS You what? LAURA Did I say hopped out the nearest window? I meant slowly inched my way to the doorway and walked calmly away. Midus puts more quarters in, and they go back to the game. LAURA (CONT'D) That would have been cool if I crawled out, wouldn't it? MIDUS Totally. They play for a while. She trounces him. LAURA Do you even KNOW what a joystick is? MIDUS Is that the stick I use to whack you over the head so I can win a round? LAURA No, I have that. MIDUS I knew I was missing something. Slight pause. MIDUS (CONT'D) What about the pepper spray. LAURA Mine too. MIDUS Do I get any weapons of mass destruction? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. LAURA I dunno. You have a tie to Sadaam? MIDUS Not since he got caught. Lying in a hole. God, that's like crawling underneath the bed during hide and seek. LAURA I wonder if Sadaam jumped out and tried to run to base. MIDUS I don't think you can get too far when you have an Ak-47 pointed to your chest. LAURA That's what makes it a challenge! MIDUS You are a strange girl. LAURA Why, thank you for the compliment. You have a nice shirt. MIDUS I do? LAURA No. Not really. I just felt like I had to say something. INT. PRINCIPALS OFFICE -- AFTERNOON ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL Steken Mud is there, talking to Eddie Cheno. ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL Now, I've talken with the rest of your class, and I'm wondering- EDDIE CHENO Yo mang, I ain't got da funken flyest clue yo. The Assistant principal cocks his eyebrow. But just at the moment, a beam of light shines through the window, grabbing Eddie. He floats out and breaks the window, as the Assistant Principal just stares on. He shakes his head. ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL I need to take a vacation. The longest. Vacation. Imaginable. END OF ACT TWO ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 14. ACT THREE EXT. ARCADE -- AFTERNOON MIDUS and LAURA exit the arcade, having richly spent most of their money on video games. They walk down the streets, probably back to their school. LAURA So, why did you play this thrilling game of hooky. Not that I'm saddened by your dismisal of all things educational. MIDUS I haven't dismissed everything educational. I still love Sesame Street. LAURA Really? MIDUS Yeah. Whenever Jackson came over, I'd throw it on and it'd scare the crap out of him. He has this phobia about puppets. So I learn how to get ride of his ass. INT. HEALTH -- AFTERNOON JACKSON is watching a demonstration, and it's of the Health teacher explaining things about the body on a mannequin. BONEKING is also there, as she's pointing to bones in the body on his, well, body. VAL and NICOLE are there. NICOLE Jackson. JACKSON AIEEEE! The entire class turns toward Jackson, who grabs the fake collar of his shirt and starts tugging. JACKSON (CONT'D) As I was saying, I REALLY love puppets! He fake laughs, and then lowers his head. NICOLE Jackson, like I was saying before we were rudely interrupted by your girlish scream... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 15. JACKSON (accusing) You're screams are girlish too. NICOLE Well, yes, because I have breasts. Jackson tilts his head and looks down. Nicole sighs, and perks his head back up. NICOLE (CONT'D) That wasn't an invitation to look at them. JACKSON Who said I needed an invitation? NICOLE What is going on. I want a straight answer. VAL As do I! I'm here too! They lean in close, pratically smothering him. JACKSON You know, it doesn't matter how close you lean, you aren't going to get the answer any quicker. NICOLE Urgh! We aren't getting anywhere, and I gotta use the facilities. Nicole raises her hand. NICOLE (CONT'D) Can I use the bathroom. HEALTH TEACHER Is the pass back? NICOLE Uhmmm... She looks over and sees the pass is NOT there. NICOLE (CONT'D) YEAH! HEALTH TEACHER Then take the pass and go. She walks over, grabs a small doll, and leaves. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 16. JACKSON Man, I thought she'd never leave. I almost let it slip that Midus likes Nicole and thought I was moving in on his territory. Val's jaw drops. JACKSON (CONT'D) Man, you don't know HOW good that feels to FINALLY get that out. Man! Phew! It's like I just crapped a weight of bricks... (he notices her) Uhmmm... Val? You did know, right? He waves his hand in front of her face and her eye pops out like a machine. Val starts smoking, and then pops a small explosion. Jackson sits there, unphased. JACKSON (CONT'D) Damnit! We need another Val! Some worker walks on. JACKSON (CONT'D) Hey Carlos, you mind, I dunno... FIXING HER so this doesn't happen. This is like, the eighth freakin' time. CARLOS So sorry. So Sorry. JACKSON Sorry isn't going to pay your child support, now is it? (thinks) Well, it could if the apology is so damn good that she lets you completely off the hook. But judging by what you just did, you've got a long way until that's even an option. (offscreen) HEY NAMELESS FILM STUDENT? Bring me my damn coffee! Some guy walks up. He has coffee in his hands. FILM STUDENT The name's Joe, and I actually got my degree. JACKSON Hey, good for you. Mind if I see it? I'm about to go take a shit and I need some toilet paper. (MORE) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 17. JACKSON (CONT'D) (Sips coffee) What the hell. Did you slip a rufy in here? FILM STUDENT There's no rufy in it. JACKSON I taste rufy. I ask for a coffee, not to be raped. (throws coffee in the film students face) MAKE IT AGAIN! FILM STUDENT IT BURNS! IT BURNS! He runs off. JACKSON Punk kids. (to offscreen) YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN DIRECT A WHOLE MOVIE WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME GOOD COFFEE! The film student rushes back, scalded, and hands Jackson the coffee. He takes a few sips as the kid walks back out. Val is fixed, and Jackson yells. JACKSON (CONT'D) (offscreen) HEY KID! CATCH! He tosses the coffee at the kid, and he screams. Everything returns to normal. And then we see the clicker device. VAL Wait a second. Midus likes Nicole? As in, I like you, you like me, let's maybe fall in love and have babies in a poorly written romantic comedy? JACKSON As bad as a guy thing. VAL Now I liked that movie! It was so wholesome. JACKSON Wholesome?! The main character and his brother married into the SAME FAMILY. (MORE) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 18. JACKSON (CONT'D) If the brother married Selma Blair, and Jason Lee married Julia Stiles, who should be related to Whose's Line's Ryan Stiles, he's be marrying his cousin in law! That bugged the CRAP outta me! They stare off, and then Nicole appears behind Jackson and taps him on the shoulder. He turns around, and it's THE DOLL. He freaks out and screams, and falls out of his seat. EXT. SCHOOL BUILDING -- AFTERNOON MIDUS and LAURA are wandering. They pass by an area filled with smokers, and Laura lights up a cigarette. Laura offers Midus one, and he reluctantly takes it. That's when a the TRUTH spokesman walks up. THE TRUTH SPOKESMAN Do you know that cigarettes kill you, and that makes them NOT cool! MIDUS Well... you're a tool, so doing the opposite of what you say is cool. Midus lights up the cigarette, and the Truth Spokesman gets angry. THE TRUTH SPOKESMAN BOYS! A bunch of cigarettes come out and start to beat and punch him. THE TRUTH SPOKESMAN (CONT'D) I told you cigarette's kill. But do you listen? No! (pause) Someone's not kicking his spleen! (pause & crunch) Perfect! LAURA (V.O.) Midus? Midus snaps out of his daydream, and just stares at Laura. LAURA (CONT'D) You've been starring at me for about two minutes now. And the only drag you've taken is to light it up? MIDUS Sorry. I'm a bit floopy. Midus takes another drag, and lets out a bit of a cough. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 19. LAURA Beginning, eh? MIDUS No. I've been smoking since I'm 8. Just... wrong pipe. LAURA There's only one pipe. And eight? Wow. You're hardcore. MIDUS I'm also a pathological liar, so take your pick on which statement is true. She smiles, Midus awkwardly returns the favor. LAURA Are you doing this to be cool, because (motions Midus and how he coughs, hunching shoulders) Doesn't help you. MIDUS But all the cool kids are doing it. Laura lightly touches his arm. LAURA Listen, you don't have to do this for some stupid macho thing. You don't have to do it for me. MIDUS I'm not. Hey, my grandfather died of cancer. My Aunt died of cancer. It seems I'm gonna die from cancer. It may as well be self inflicted. Midus flicks the cigarette away. MIDUS (CONT'D) Now that was cool... and I'm trying * to quit. She glares, not buying his story whatsoever. He points offscreen. MIDUS (CONT'D) Hey! It's a giant pretzel! George W. Bush runs by them screaming for his life. Laura doesn't buy his pointage whatsoever. MIDUS (CONT'D) You're trickier than Jackson. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 20. LAURA If that's all it takes to get rid of him, I have to wonder how many brain cells of his have been killed. MIDUS Oh, you're giving him too much credit. He never had any brain cells to begin with. INT. HEALTH -- AFTERNOON They're all just talking, killing some time before the bell rings. Some are playing cards, others are pointing towards Boneking and laughing. Boneking is none too happy, pointing and shouting. BONEKING I WILL DEVOUR YOUR FIRST BORNS! MIDUS walks into the room, and JACKSON immediatly points toward him. JACKSON You are LAAAATE. You're gonna be in TROUBLE! Midus gives him a glare. MIDUS Basically. HEALTH TEACHER You're late Midus! Go to the principal's office! MIDUS But that's where I was trying to avoid! The health teacher glares, and points away. JACKSON You got SERVED, beeotch! Take your Luke Skywalker doo back to the ZOO! Booyah! Midus leaves, angered. Val leans into Jackson with a stern look. VAL Don't ever write poetry. Ever. JACKSON Shiznit son. I'm a literary GOD! Don't question it. He pauses, and then does some weird dance. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 21. JACKSON (CONT'D) Freestyle! She rolls her eyes. VAL Ja RULE is better than you. JACKSON (gasp & sniff) * You... you take that back! INT. PRINCIPALS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS MIDUS is there, he's playing with something from his desk in his hands. ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL Midus, you've skipped class, and who knows what else you've done. I've got to know, what do you have to say for yourself? MIDUS What do I have to say? Well, I've learned more in one day out of school than I ever have inside. No stupid dates that I forget moments after memorizing them for the crappy tests we take. No stupid names of people who've died two hundred years ago and I don't care about. No mathematics or geometry or physics bullcrap that I'm never going to use. I've learned more about who I am, and that's more important than any so called facts you try to teach me. Slight pause. MIDUS (CONT'D) I mean... skip class? Me?! No way! I was there the entire time! INT. CLASSROOM -- EVENING MIDUS is writing on the chalkboard. MIDUS Who the hell still assigns this as punishment? The camera widens, and REVEAL : BART SIMPSON. MIDUS (CONT'D) What are you in for? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 22. BART SIMPSON I killed a guy. MIDUS ... Oh? Midus slowly looks down, and then inches himself away. The camera pans out to reveal most of the class that was sent to the principal's office. JOHN SANDERS runs to the middle of the screen. JOHN SANDERS Does anyone know the Hokey Pokey?!?! EDDIE SCOTT POSER Oh God! Where's Cheno! He's supposed to be here. NOAH HAWKINS Who cares? INT. SPACESHIP -- NIGHT EDDIE CHENO wakens on the top of a metal board. He looks around. EDDIE CHENO Yo mang... dat shiznit be off da funken hizhook! Suddenly, mysterious figures walk up and look all ominous like. EDDIE CHENO (CONT'D) Uhmm... I be speakin' too funken soon mang. Reveal : They're aliens. EDDIE CHENO (CONT'D) Funken A. Der goes da funken ass virginity. END OF ACT THREE