Generation LMNOP : Episode 7 : There IS an ending! Honest!
Completed as of February 12th, 2004 TEASER EXT. MIDUS' HOUSE -- MORNING Midus leaves his house, and stops. Then Laura jumps into frame and smiles. LAURA Hi-hi-hi. MIDUS Is a headache a pulsating vein in the brain? And isn't that like a slight anuerism, until the vein bursts. But what happens if the vein is so strong, that instead of busting, it cracks your skull, and then your head spontaneously combusts. LAURA Oh, how are you Laura? Oh, I'm fine, thanks for asking! MIDUS But I didn't ask you that... Laura rolls her eyes, looks upwards. The "camera" follows upward into space, and an establishing the space station. Inside, Eddie Cheno is strapped to a chair. We only see him, and then the camera swirls to reveal : Christina Aguilera. EDDIE CHENO Yo Mang! Littl' funken help? END OF TEASER --------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. ACT ONE INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM -- MORNING The entire class is there. Duh. PROFESSOR INATION Now, your projects, that you've hopefully been working on all semester, are due next Wednesday before Thanksgiving vacation. There's a few audible groans. JACKSON I know I forgot something. And here I thought I left the stove on. He breathes a sigh of relief. Val smacks him in the back of the head with a folder. Joey Malone floats, and raises his hand. JOEY MALONE Professor, I inquire of one Eddie Cheno, as he is not able-bodied and present amongst this cornucopia of people who thinks that the administrative head of this classroom is a quack. PROFESSOR INATION That's your problem Malone, not mine. I just want the project in on time. You've had all semester to work on it. A little missing person shouldn't deter you from completion. NOAH HAWKINS (softly) Hard Ass. PROFESSOR INATION I heard that! EDDIE SCOTT POSER Heard what? Did I miss something? Poser looks up from his game boy, and Ination growls before taking it away. EDDIE SCOTT POSER (CONT'D) NO! Pikachu! You give that back to the King of Poland this very instant! PROFESSOR INATION No. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. EDDIE SCOTT POSER Okay! (he slumps, turns to Mark) I order you to kill him at once. For the respect of Poland. MARK No one respects Poland. EDDIE SCOTT POSER We're building our rep up. You'll see! (yelling) YOU'LL ALL SEE! INT. HALLWAYS -- CONTINUOUS NICOLE, JACKSON, VAL all walk. NICOLE Where was Midus? We need to work on our project together. VAL Midus? Oh him! Oh yes, I'm sure he's around here, somewhere. Somewhere he'll be, he's always somewhere. We're always somewhere. No doubt he'll be here instead of where in just the nic of time to save the day like all the heros are. Wait, heros? I didn't mean heros. But he'll have all the information. And God! Stop staring at me and giving me the third degree! Val storms off, upset. Nicole and Jackson has no clue why. NICOLE What's wrong with her? JACKSON I know. First degree burns hurt way more than third. (To Nicole) She should have said that. Nicole glares, there's a pause. JACKSON (CONT'D) I think the apple Adam ate was actually Eve's vagina. He took a huge bite of self pleasure with no desire to replicate their species. (MORE) --------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. JACKSON (CONT'D) So God decided that that was evil, and therefor, he made every son and child born after just a little worse off for the wear and tear. So really, protected sex and abstinence is EVIL!!! Nicole glares, and walks off screen. Jackson sighs. JACKSON (CONT'D) What? Aren't you catholic? (pause) You don't want to be naughty... or DO YOU! Jackson gets hit in the face with a dodgeball. TONY DAVIS appears in frame. TONY DAVIS DODGEBALL TIME! DODGEBALL TIME! Pan out to see Tony Davis and JACK HARMEN throw cart fulls of dodgeballs at their fellow students in the hallways. INT. SPACESHIP -- EVENING EDDIE CHENO and CHRISTINA AGUILERA are tied down to the table. EDDIE CHENO Yo mang! Littl' funken help? Cheno is trying to lean over to take a hit of his bong. A small alien walks over and tips it over, so Cheno can take a hit. EDDIE CHENO (CONT'D) Dat be da shiznit yo. XAHEID How long must we put up with this Earth being? Another alien walks into the room, a towel covering his body, and covered in mucus. XELIAN You have to be patient Xaheid, the testing of these human's takes quite a long time. We've had Miss Aguilera here ever since her Genie in a Bottle days, so it takes quite a bit of time. It's not nearly as easy as obtaining an Earth Driver's license or becoming president. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. CHRISTINA AGUILERA You can't keep me here forever. I have a career! XAHEID And what, you expect MTV to look for you? You'd think they'd have found you by now if they really wanted to. XELIAN You shouldn't worry about your career Miss Aguilera. The Skank Bot we programmed is filling in nicely. We can keep you here for as long as we wish. CHRISTINA AGUILERA You can't do that to me! I'm a diva! XAHEID Diva my ass. You've got nothing on how we programmed Aretha Franklin. Man, that robot can sing. XELIAN You're telling me! I've got all her greatest hits! EDDIE CHENO So, ya funkers be controllin' da Earth's Pop Music? XELIAN Among other things. XAHEID Xelian, please, keep our conquest to yourself. Eddie struggles to free himself. EDDIE CHENO Funken A Mang! Menudo was good funken shiznit yo, and ya be destroyin' deir funken careers! Now dat bitch pansy Ricky Martin be a funken icon, and da rest be funken nothing mang! XAHEID Well... that was a small mistake by Xelian. EDDIE CHENO Dat, and destroyin' da funken career of Snow! Mang! Dat dude funken rocked! XELIAN Calm down Mr. Earth being. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. CHRISTINA AGUILERA Yeah! You're not the one who's tied up while robots in your guise are roaming earth wearing next to nothing so pre-pubescent teenage boys can orgasm to you! You're career isn't as good as over! EDDIE CHENO I be havin' a funken career? CHRISTINA AGUILERA How the hell am I supposed to know? XELIAN SILENCE! EDDIE CHENO Ha. Funk ya mang, like I be listenin' - ta yer funken skinny' punk arse. Xelian grabs some sort of long metal rod, and pokes Eddie in the forehead. EDDIE CHENO (CONT'D) Wat da... NO! DA FUNKEN BACKSTREET BOYS BE IN MY HEAD! And they be doin' stuff! CHRISTINA AGUILERA Like... erotic stuff? EDDIE CHENO MANGS! STOP DA SINGING! STOP DA FUNKEN SINGING! INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE -- DAY JACK HARMEN, TONY DAVIS, and ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL STEKEN MUD are sitting in their office. ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL STEKEN MUD What do you kids have to say for yourselves? JACK HARMEN We were just having Gym class. ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL STEKEN MUD You don't even HAVE Gym this semester! And you weren't in the designated Gym area! You were in the hallways! TONY DAVIS Those are just semantics. PA Steken Mud's face turns red. Steam comes out of his ears with a high pitch squeal. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. JACK HARMEN Uh.... Your tea is done. He calms down. ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL STEKEN MUD Ah. Yes it is. There's an awkward pause. TONY DAVIS Can I have some? ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL STEKEN MUD What do you think? TONY DAVIS Yes? ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL STEKEN MUD No. TONY DAVIS Awh. I didn't want your stupid tea anyway. JACK HARMEN Then why did you ask him? TONY DAVIS Shut up dude, I'm trying to be cool! He sits there with the goofiest grin on his face ever. Jack just hangs his head in shame. END OF ACT ONE --------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. ACT TWO INT. LUNCHROOM -- AFTERNOON NICOLE is eating lunch. MIDUS walks in through the doors, far beyond everything going on. You can hardly tell it's him. Just as he truly comes into view, JACKSON and VAL sit down around Nicole and they start talking. Nothing really noticable. Midus walks up, in a long trenchcoat, and drops a note on Nicole's plate. He continues walking, not breaking stride. She turns her head and looks, shrugs, and reads the note. JACKSON Who's your Matrix fanboy friend? (slight pause) Boyfriend? NICOLE It's Midus. JACKSON Was I right or wrong about the fanboy being your boyfriend. Val kicks Jackson. JACKSON (CONT'D) Ow! I mean, only boyfriends leave notes. Val kicks him again. JACKSON (CONT'D) Ow! What the hell was that for. Jackson kicks Val, and she topples over, clutching her shin. Nicole is shocked. Jackson, not so much. JACKSON (CONT'D) Jeez, it was just a love tap. Get over yourself. He leaves. Val pulls herself back up. VAL So, what's it say? NICOLE He's going to come over tonight to finish the project. Guess he doesn't want to screw me over for what happened between Jackson and him. VAL That's nice. Tell him to bring me an ice pak too. (MORE) --------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. VAL (CONT'D) And if he can do what he did to Jackson during Alicia's Halloween bash, he's going to get a rather large fruit basket... or video games and dvd's. NICOLE Just the things needed to nutrition the human body. Why didn't you include porn? VAL ... Ewwwww. DOUG O'HARA and JOHN SANDERS pop up. DOUG O'HARA Did you say porn? JOHN SANDERS I think she did! She said porn! DOUG O'HARA A girl said porn! (Xander-like Gdpt2) That is so... COOL! The girls get up and leave. Doug and John take their seats. JOHN SANDERS Ah, the warmth of the seats of girls. DOUG O'HARA If they were still here, we'd be sitting inside them. They get whacked in the head. It's Jackson. He takes a seat across from them. JACKSON You people are worse than me. Pause. DOUG O'HARA ... Thanks? INT. SPACESHIP -- NIGHT CHENO, AGUILERA, XELIAN, and XAHEID are arguing, not in a group though. XAHEID How did you erase his memory!? We needed him at full optimal opperation level to to continue our tests. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. XELIAN Sorry man, it's my first time. XAHEID First time? That's what you always say! I'm sick of you saying that! XELIAN Hey, I'm not the one that almost accidentily flew us into the sun! XAHEID Oh, that's just like you to bring that up! Don't change the subject Xelian, this is about the present, not the past. To Christina Aguilera and Eddie Cheno. CHRISTINA AGUILERA I've been abducted, my multi-platinum career is over, and I've got some high stoner freak next to me. (pause) This feels oddly familiar. EDDIE CHENO Mang, dat guy be havin' a lot of funken mucus, eh wo-mang. CHRISTINA AGUILERA Yes. They're aliens. EDDIE CHENO They funken are!?! CHRISTINA AGUILERA OH YEAH! New Years 1997! Man, that was a fun time. EDDIE CHENO What? CHRISTINA AGUILERA Nothing. Nothing. (A beat) Why don't you break the cuffs? EDDIE CHENO An be a bad funken house guest? Nah mang. Cheno ain't be wantin' a funken prob yo. CHRISTINA AGUILERA Oh, it's not that bad. It's actually quite enjoyable. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. XELIAN (yelling) We haven't even probed you! CHRISTINA AGUILERA You haven't? XELIAN No. We don't use that archaic method to collect our data Miss Aguilera. XAHEID Mr. Cheno, you seem to be one of the most intriguing people from the world of Planet Earth. You're not like the usual suspects, always cursing and being drunk, causing trouble. Your "highness," as you like to call it, is quite the interesting change. EDDIE CHENO Funken a Mang! XAHEID You see, we're looking for the abstract thinker. We think you're it. EDDIE CHENO Abstract dinker? Funk mang, Jack Harmen be a funken abstract dinker. He ain't even be on drugs yo! XELIAN Not on drugs? The aliens huddle. XELIAN (CONT'D) Is that possible Xaheid? XAHEID I'm not sure! I'm not sure! It's rather complicated. It seems that every man we've abducted has had some sort of drug, be it alcohol or pot or e, but maybe this Jack person, as Cheno says, has drugs in him... naturally? XELIAN You mean... they're evolving?! XAHEID If the human race is evolving like that, it's only a small time away from creating and mastering interplanetary space travel! --------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. XELIAN Maybe we've overlooked their mental capacity, and it is possible for their brain levels to rise! XAHEID Maybe they've began to use more than ten percent of their brains. XELIAN That's just scary. You're going to give me nightmares. XAHEID Just go in the dream capsule. That'll get ride of them. Joey Malone conjures up in between Cheno and Christina while the Alien's are arguing. JOEY MALONE (to aliens) Hello, creatures of extraordinary origin. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind taking a photograph with myself for my book of pictographs that I intend on storing one of these years. Of course, I have left my speaking device that renders visages as well back on the blue and green sphere known as Earth. The aliens turn, awestruck. JOEY MALONE (CONT'D) I shall return shortly! He phases away. The aliens just stand there. XAHEID Dear GOD! That man defied the laws of nature! XELIAN He just appeared out of nowhere! It's not right! It's just not right! XAHEID These humans are getting too smart I tell you! They are just getting TOO smart! Maybe we've wasted our time trying to control the human race. Maybe they will one day rise up against us and control us! Why don't we just drop everything we have, and go work on that snail colony that we have back at home. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. XELIAN They do have the utmost potential Xaheid. Even moreso than these human beings. We better tread lightly in order not to repeat our errors. Xelian walks over and presses a button, which makes Cheno and Christina disappear. INT. NICOLE'S LIVING ROOM -- EVENING NICOLE is sitting there, and MIDUS walks in through the front door, knocking as he does. Nicole turns around, and he meekly raises his hand for a wave, and drops it. MIDUS Hey. She runs around the couch and gives him a big huge, which is awkward, as his hands are slumped down to his sides. NICOLE Hey. She lets go. NICOLE (CONT'D) I've barely seen you lately. MIDUS The work of a superhero is never done. She motions him over to the couch, where there's a load of objects and what have you. Mostly science stuff, lying in front on the table. He sits down, and he's a bit stilted, but she's open. Light touches, stuff like that. NICOLE So, how have you been? What's been going on in your life? INT. JACKSON'S HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS JACKSON and VAL are sitting. VAL moves something out from behind her back. The room is quite a mess. VAL I think something's moving. JACKSON Well, I am waving my hands like I just don't care... VAL So... Midus likes Nicole? Are you sure? --------------------------------------------------------------------- 14. JACKSON Do we always have to bring him up? It's not the Midus house. I checked. TV Guide has some crappy reality show on now, I'm sure of it. VAL So that's why you set them up dancing at Homecoming? Did he tell you? JACKSON No. I just put two and two together and got five. VAL That's four. JACKSON I never said I was right. VAL I'm surprised I didn't put that together myself. JACKSON Eh, Nicole doesn't even know yet, so don't feel bad. Seems like love blinds some people... wait... love blinds... some people? Jackson looks at Val, and Val gets a bit confused. INT. NICOLE'S LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Same setting still. MIDUS It's not that I like her, it's just, I like to be around her. NICOLE So, you like her company, who she is, and what she looks like, but you don't like like her. MIDUS I dunno. I don't think I double like her. She's just always around now. I guess I was just waiting... NICOLE Waiting for what? Butterflies to be in your stomach and church bells in your head? Rarely, if ever, do people truly get a chance to experience storybook romance. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 15. MIDUS Hollywood has us seeking something that isn't really there I guess. We'd have better chances searching for the Holy Grail. At least if we found that, we wouldn't be on a time line to find love. NICOLE So, who are you waiting for? Is it Val? I bet it's Val. Awkward Pause. MIDUS It's not. We're just... friends. I like her, but don't double like her. Like with Laura, I think. INT. JACKSON'S HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS Duh. Same stuff. VAL No, I don't think so. I'm just a bit jealous I guess... JACKSON Jealous of his nothing? Oh yeah. I'm dying to be him. VAL It's just, everyone has someone in mind. (meekly) What's left for me? JACKSON The gold out in San Francisco? (weird look from Val) Although I didn't find much. VAL That's because the Gold in San Francisco was all dug up in the fifties during the Gold Rush. JACKSON Damn. Everytime I get a good idea, someone's already beat me to it. VAL So, Midus must have thought you were VAL (CONT'D) Moving in on Nicole, when you were telling her to undress and be your ho. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 16. JACKSON Yeah. I wonder how he got that idea. She gives him a stern look. He shrugs his shoulders. JACKSON (CONT'D) What?!? I was just trying to help. INT. NICOLE'S LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Same. MIDUS I don't think Jackson knows what the word considerate means. NICOLE Maybe he does. MIDUS Just like I still have no idea what Chemistry is. Midus shuts his book. NICOLE Neither do the rest of us. MIDUS You think we're done here? NICOLE I... think we are. Don't be a stranger just because of Jackson. MIDUS No, I'll only be a stranger when you have amnesia... which I hope you never have. Coy smiles. END OF ACT TWO --------------------------------------------------------------------- 17. ACT THREE INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM -- MORNING All the kids are huddled in, as the school bell ring. Professor Ination gets them started. PROFESSOR INATION Okay everyone. Today is our group project. Since I know how hard it is to go first, I'm going to give whomever does go first a bit of leeway. And considering the pair I choose, they're going to need it. Breaker? Jake? Get up here. They do so. They're a bit ancy. They take in a deep breath. JAKE WALKER I'm Jake Walker. Breaker smacks him in the face with a large fish. He goes down. JACK BREAKER And I'm Jack Breaker. And that was Physics. Breaker walks back toward his desk. PROFESSOR INATION We're doing Chemistry this month Jack. Physics is next month. JACK BREAKER Well, I guess I'm done early then. He sits down, and plays with his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. EDDIE SCOTT POSER & NOAH HAWKINS PROFESSOR INATION Why are you two toying with the computer? Are you setting it up for your project? EDDIE SCOTT POSER What? No way. I'm checking my e-mail. Does this thing get solitare? Or maybe that thing with the mines!? NOAH HAWKINS Minesweeper? EDDIE SCOTT POSER Oh yeah. Totally --------------------------------------------------------------------- 18. PROFESSOR INATION The computer's not for toy! EDDIE SCOTT POSER Dude! World Series highlights! NOAH HAWKINS Why are you going to watch highlights? It's like watching a movie when a friend spoiled the ending. You already know what's going to happen. EDDIE CHENO Think that, by doing this, we defy orders. Noah's eyes light up. NOAH HAWKINS That makes me giddy like a school girl! Noah starts playing, and Poser gives him a weird look. EDDIE SCOTT POSER I. Don't. Like. You. Scene change. On Professor Ination. PROFESSOR INATION Where the hell is Cheno and Joey? INT. SPACESHIP The two aliens are still arguing. Cheno and Christina Aguilera are still tied up. XAHEID Listen, I know you wanted the hip hop craze to continue due to the profit it's reaping, but I want to cut ties immediatly. Let Cheno become the classical musician and reinvent the genre for a mainstream audience, I don't care. I just want my red hands out of this honey pot. XELIAN Honey isn't red Xaheid. XAHEID Don't you think I know that! I'm the one that created it! EDDIE CHENO Yo, Alien mangs, I be knowin' ya be cool, but I gotsa get back ta da schoolage! --------------------------------------------------------------------- 19. Joey Malone appears. He has a camera. The aliens freak out and press a button, sending them all away. INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM -- CONTINUOUS MALONE and CHENO reappear at the front of the class. INATION freaks, as does the rest of the class. PROFESSOR INATION See Joey? You freak people out when you defy physics. This is why you shouldn't any longer. NOAH HAWKINS No Joey! Fight the man! JOEY MALONE Do I knowest thou? EDDIE CHENO Funk ya mang, he be funken Lionel Richie yo! Suddenly, a brick flies in through the window and knocks Cheno clean out. DOUG and JOHN DOUG O'HARA We did our project on the biological chemistry shared between two females. JOHN SANDERS We have a video here as an example, called Busty Broads busting Bitches 5. John goes to play the tape but Professor Ination tackles him. MIDUS & NICOLE are using slideshows NICOLE So, if you mix nitrogen and hydrocloric acid... The slideshow spins, and here comes Jackson, who's stuffing his face full of cake on the tea cups. Kathy Griffen is next to him. The class laughs. JACKSON Hey! I never met Kathy Griffen. You can take that as fact, because I haven't been turned to stone by her shrill voice. MIDUS Oh yeah? Check your heart. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 20. JACKSON I would, but it's kinda attached to my circulatory system. MIDUS Oh, I can fix that with some biology. (holds up a scapple, turns to Ination) Do I get extra credit for doing advanced work? Scene Cut to Ination PROFESSOR INATION Okay, Lillian and Magus? Where's Lillian and Magus? Cut to Lillian and Magus, who are battling a large Mucus demon. MAGUS I thought you said this would be more fun than Chemistry Class. LILLIAN No, I said it'd be more dangerous. KENT And you expect us to understand the difference? They charge. LAURA & MAY LAURA Hi! I'm Laura Townsend. This is Amy Bender JACKSON I'd like to bend her. (turns to Midus) Shut up. MIDUS But I wasn't- JACKSON Shhhh! MIDUS Don't make me hit you again. JACKSON That was you? I thought it was a fruit fly. A fruit fly that can't bench his own weight. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 21. PROFESSOR INATION MIDUS! JACKSON! ENOUGH! MIDUS & JACKSON Sorry JACKSON * (whisper) I'm not sorry. MIDUS (whisper) What makes you think I am? PROFESSOR INATION So, who are you two? LAURA Oh, we're never here. Chemistry's boring. AMY TOWNSEND Yeah. After a long scientific project, we figured out Chemistry is boring. Project over. LAURA Fin. JACK HARMEN & TONY DAVIS JACK HARMEN Hi. I'm Jack Harmen, and I'm one half of the team we called VIAGRA. Davis chuckles TONY DAVIS Viagra rules! They high five. JACK HARMEN So, we have a skit. Tony, if you will. Tony pulls out a cigarette and lights it. JACK HARMEN (CONT'D) DUDE! You're smoking! TONY DAVIS I know! Isn't it cool? I'm like Chandler from Friends! --------------------------------------------------------------------- 22. JACK HARMEN You're basing how to be cool on Matthew Freaking Perry?! Man, what's wrong with you. TONY DAVIS Matthew Perry is cool. Like in Serving Sara... Wait a minute. NO HE WASN'T! I've been forsaken by the cigarette God Ashtare! Tony puts it out, and then they smile toward the class. PROFESSOR INATION You had a Chemisty project due, not an Anti-smoking commercial. JACK HARMEN But smoking's bad for you! Shouldn't we get a good grade for spreading gospel?! PROFESSOR INATION GET OFF THE STAGE! TONY DAVIS There's a stage?! JACKSON & VAL JACKSON Now, I don't have a funny picture of Midus in my presentation, but if you'd like, feel free to stare at him throughout class. He's always a funny picture. MIDUS No. Please don't. JACKSON It's like the zoo! Jackson gets up, and in a drawn out segment, he pretends he's a mime and Midus is in a box. VAL Stop being a mime and help me! JACKSON Did you say mime? MIME?!? AHHH! He runs and jumps out the nearest window. Val gets an odd expression on her face. VAL Why is he scared of mimes? --------------------------------------------------------------------- 23. MIDUS I told him they were extremely large moveable puppets. Val nods in understanding. VAL What's up with the puppet thing anyway? MIDUS You know, it all happened- Midus gets cut off as we fade to black END OF ACT THREE --------------------------------------------------------------------- 24. Over Credits NARRATOR Just so you kids know, doing drugs is not the way to master interplanetary space travel. Doing drugs is a way to master making yourself THINK you're mastering interplanetary space travel, but truthfully, you're just some idiot in a box going "BRAVO! ECHO NINER! WE HAVE REACHED MARS! And there's leprachaun's here too!" So please, don't do drugs to travel in space. Do them to forget about your problems. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE! END OF ACT THREECredits
Main Script Writer and Creater: Thomas Ford
Script Doctor: Michael Renner