Generation LMNOP : Episode 8 : A Swank Party
Completed as of February 23rd, 2004 TEASER EXT. MIDUS' HOUSE -- MORNING MIDUS exits, backpack over his shoulder. JACKSON stops in front of his house. JACKSON Hey! Look! It's Midus! How you doing jerky? MIDUS Was doing fine til I saw you. JACKSON Awh, that's sweet. Listen, I know you like to play your little games. Just know, I'm ready for anything you throw my way. MIDUS So, you'll be a catcher to my pitcher? JACKSON Yup MIDUS Then drop your pants, (unzips) I've got something for you to catch. They stop walking, and Jackson gives him a glare. JACKSON I hate you. MIDUS We've already established that. END OF TEASER ------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. ACT ONE INT. MIDUS' BEDROOM -- AFTERNOON MIDUS is waking up. It's like, one o'clock or so. He outstretches his hands. He yawns, and goes to smack the alarm clock, but it seems that he doesn't own one of those. But there is a phone. So he grabs it. MIDUS Ahoy-hoy? NICOLE (V.O.) Hey Midus. MIDUS Hi... Val? NICOLE No, it's Nicole. MIDUS I can never tell who's on the phone. NICOLE Yeah, I get that way too. Thank God for caller id. Listen, a few of us are hitting up the ice cream store, you in? MIDUS How could I not be? NICOLE Cool. Meet us in thirty? MIDUS Better make it forty. It's a long walk. He hangs up, and shakes his head. MIDUS (CONT'D) That... was Nicole... who asked me to do something, right? INT. JACKSON'S BEDROOM -- AFTERNOON JACKSON is getting up in his mess of clothes. He reaches over and grabs the phone. JACKSON Yo. INT. VAL'S ROOM -- AFTERNOON She's reading off cards, that have a trademark of Nicole at the bottom. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. VAL Hey Jackson. INT. JACKSON'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS JACKSON Alicia? VAL No. JACKSON Sherri? VAL No. JACKSON Alicia number 2? VAL (angered) It's Val! (stunned) You know two Alicia's? JACKSON I know a lot of people. What do you want. It's... ONLY ONE?! What are you, Satan's alarm clock? VAL Listen, there's a 2 o'clock free porn giveaway at the ice cream store. JACKSON Two O'Clock?!? Free porn?!? I know both those things! He hangs up the phone. Val smiles brightly. EXT. ICE CREAM STORE -- AFTERNOON It's 2 o'clock. MIDUS and NICOLE are sharing ice cream, as if they just sat down. JACKSON and VAL walk into frame. JACKSON Okay, just point me to the... Midus? What the hell is he doing here! MIDUS (simultaniously) I've got the same question no doubt. And it needs some answering! VAL We're sick of you two being on the ropes. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. JACKSON Really? (turns to Midus) I thought we were entertaining like this. NICOLE We'll, you're not. Listen, whatever you two are fighting about, it's not worth it. It's not worth losing your friendship over. Is it? Midus turns away, and grabs a glance at Val, but immediatly turns away from her as well, to Jackson's face. At that moment, Jackson shakes his head and scoffs, while having a bit of a smile. VAL What would it take to get you two guys to make up? MIDUS (not serious) How about you two making out? Jackson's eyes perk up. JACKSON (to Midus) Wow. I think we're finally communicating. (to girls) You go. MIDUS We go. JACKSON You go. MIDUS We go. EXT. ALLEY'S -- LATER Wide overhead shot of Midus and Jackson walking down an alley. MIDUS There's just something about a lesbian kiss that makes guys (light singing) Come together... right now... JACKSON Amen. MIDUS See you next week. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. JACKSON Ha! See you next month! They part in opposite directions. INT. MIDUS' BEDROOM -- AFTERNOON MIDUS' head is tilted back. Tissue's surround him as a phone rings. He sighs, and sniffs. VAL (V.O.) Hey Midus? MIDUS Yeah? Wait, who is this? Laura? VAL (Angered) It's Val! MIDUS Oh, Hey. VAL Can I come over? MIDUS Uhmmm... He looks around, and sniffles again. VAL I need to talk to someone. MIDUS Sure. Sure. Anything for you. Stop by whenever. VAL Thanks. Midus hangs up the phone. Wider shot, more tissues, and Midus sneezes into one. MIDUS Damn this cold weather and this stuffy nose. (pause) Hey, I think that did it. INT. MIDUS' LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER MIDUS walks down, and here, are his family, packed bags and all. MIDUS' MOTHER Are you sure you don't want to come with us to Grandma's? ------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. MIDUS (shudders) No. I'm sure. MIDUS' FATHER Now, while we're gone, you're the man of the house. But son, I want to make this very clear. While we're away this weekend, there will be absolutely NO, and I mean NO premaritual relationship with any type of pie in our refridgerator. MIDUS Dad! MIDUS' FATHER I've seen the movie son. I know it's tempting, but you must FIGHT that instinct. Please, for the good of your thanksgiving dinner... He places his hand on Midus' shoulder. MIDUS' FATHER (CONT'D) Don't screw the pie. They start to leave, and Midus curls up into a ball. MIDUS Must... shower... so... unclean. Midus' father opens the door, and there's Val, just about to knock. MIDUS' FATHER Hey Midus! You know a girl! Good for you! (slight pause) Condoms are upstairs. MIDUS Dad! Midus' mother glares. MIDUS' FATHER What, you want them having unprotected sex? MIDUS' MOTHER No, I don't want them having sex at all. MIDUS' FATHER Then why are we leaving him alone in the house. (MORE) ------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. MIDUS' FATHER (CONT'D) It's what fifteen year olds do! I know this. I've seen the nature documentaries. VAL Parents are a bit nutso. MIDUS Aren't everyone's? VAL Not like that. MIDUS We could find my dad's condoms and have a water balloon fight! VAL Wait, condoms are water balloons? MIDUS They can be. He grabs her hand and races upstairs. INT. MIDUS' FATHER'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER MIDUS is digging through his father's trunk. VAL looks awkwardly from behind. VAL Listen, I've been feeling a bit weird ever since... MIDUS Oh... My... God! Midus pulls something, a tape out. It glows. INT. MIDUS' LIVING ROOM -- LATER MIDUS, DOUG O'HARA, JACKSON and VAL are watching a porn tape. DOUG O'HARA Oh man, Busty Babes is way better than this lesbian porn. MIDUS Then go home and watch that. DOUG O'HARA Okay. I lied. That was actually a tape of Sanders eating dirt. MIDUS When he was younger? ------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. Doug shakes his head no. EXT. MIDUS' HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS JOHN SANDERS is eating dirt. He looks up. JOHN SANDERS INSPIRATIONAL! He eats some more. END OF ACT ONE ------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. ACT TWO INT. MIDUS' LIVING ROOM -- LATER EVERYONE is there. Yes, Everyone. Midus is overseeing people, but it's pure chaos. Things are being hurled. People are jumping. It's just, chaos. Val walks up behind Midus and taps him on the shoulder. VAL Need to talk. MIDUS Need to find my wits. VAL Aren't they over by the chips? MIDUS No, that's the power chord. (slight pause) What's up with you today? VAL That's what I wanted to talk to you about, see... Interrupting them was none other than Doug O'Hara. DOUG O'HARA Yo, John's digging up your backyard. He's about to hit the sceptic line. I figured you should know. MIDUS Oh God. Midus runs off. Doug walks over and wraps his hand around Val. DOUG O'HARA Hey. There's an awkward moment. DOUG O'HARA (CONT'D) How bout them Yankees? More awkward, and he just slinks his arm off her shoulder and walks away. Link is seen with a cardboard tube, dressed in a green robe. He does a few sword like moves, and then "stabs" Jackson in the chest. Jackson looks down at the "wound." LINK Die fiend! ------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Jackson shrugs, and hits Link in the stomach. LINK (CONT'D) (gasping) But I killed you! JACKSON Obviously didn't do a good enough job. LINK But we're cosplaying! (pause) Little help? JACKSON How about no. Amy Bender stands up, as Laura is bobbing her head to music in headphones. AMY BENDER You hit him! JACKSON Yeah? So? He was rising up against the monarchy. I mean, you gotta hail to the King baby. She swoons, he kisses her, movie style. Cut to Midus, shocked. MIDUS Dude, how does he do that. ESP I don't know. I've been using that line for years. A book flops in front of Midus' feet. He bends down and picks it up. MIDUS Bruce Campbell's guide to picking up chicks? Who threw this at me?! A bowling ball slings and smacks Midus in the face, sending him sprawling down to the ground. Val was looking to find him in the background, and sees this all transpire. She immediatly goes to his side. Cut to Tony Davis and Jack Harmen, manning a slingshot. TONY DAVIS This slingshot idea of yours rules! ------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. JACK HARMEN Yeah. If only Joey was around to help us send there objects even further. They release a vase, and it crashes. LINK (O.S.) Oh God! My Spleen! TONY DAVIS (unknowingly) Yeah. Where the hell is Joey. INT. SCIENCE ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Professor Ination walks down a hallway. Suddenly, he nearly runs into a floating bowling ball that appeared out of nowhere. Ination grumbles and headbutts the bowling ball. The bowling ball headbutts him back, knocking him off camera. JOEY MALONE The velocity of a bowling ball headbutt is approximently one-point- five times the speed of light, which is also the same speed in which a tabloid generates filth. You are very lucky to be within the mortal coil, Professor. PROFESSOR INATION Stop defying physics and fight me like a man you freak! JOEY MALONE I think not. Now, what was it that they speak of in these parts? Oh yes... yoink. Joey disappears. Slight pause, and then Ination randomly disappears. JOEY MALONE (CONT'D) See Mr. Ination. We are both invisible to the naked eye, but we are both still here. Therefor, physics has not bee defied. PROFESSOR INATION That's not true! The sight of us involves the electromagnetic spectrum! Editing that changes physics! JOEY MALONE I can't please you, can I?! ------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. INT. MIDUS' LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cut to Midus, being tended to by Val with an ice pak. VAL Looks like it's just a bruise. MIDUS Oh really? Can I see? Oh wait, it's on my FACE. VAL I can get you a mirror. Alicia Fnord walks up to them. ALICIA FNORD Hey Midus. I just wanted to thank you for making my day by smacking Jackson around at my party. You were the life of, well, the party. Here's a fruit basket. MIDUS Didn't you hear? Jackson and I are friends again. ALICIA FNORD Oh. Well, I'll just be taking this then. She takes the basket and leaves. Jackson walks over. JACKSON What was that all about. MIDUS Hell if I know. Hey, weren't you with Amy. JACKSON Yeah... (ignoring the question) There's way too many people here. What's a synanom for claustrophobic? MIDUS Annoyed? JACKSON Hey Val. I remember you and your special someone! VAL Stop rolling around in your own filth. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. JACKSON I would, but I'm just too fresh and too clean. I gotta un do myself. See? So fresh and so clean! He does a little dance. Val doesn't approve. He shrugs and leaves. Val places the ice pak back on Midus' forehead. MIDUS Cold! So cold! VAL What, you expected it to be warm? MIDUS I expected not to have a sudden urge to wet myself after having some water placed over my eyes. (pause) Oh great. I can't feel my eye. I should be able to feel my eye, but I can't feel my eye. This ice pak is defective. VAL It's an Ice Pack! It can't be defective. MIDUS Oh, that's what they said about a lot of things, but then they sure did flip flop! VAL What are you talking about? MIDUS Exactly. VAL Listen, we really have to talk. MIDUS Does it have to be now... while Eddie Scott Poser and Mark are raiding my cupboards?!? Cut to Poser and Mark. Mark is raiding, Poser is crawling next to him. Poser falls to his knees. Cameraman Mark searches through some shelves. ESP I feel so hungry. I'm light headed. I don't think I'm going to make it. Tell my wife and kids, I love them. And use my dead body for food. We both don't have to die. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 14. Mark hits Poser in the face with a bag of chips. MARK Here's some chips. ESP Oh Glorious Day! (pause) You aren't still going to eat me... right? MARK No. ESP Oh Glorious Day! Cut back to Midus/Val, as Midus throws his head back. That's when he gets a phone call. He sighs, picks it up. MIDUS Ahoy hoy? VAL (whispering) Everyone you know's here! MIDUS Mr. Andrews? What are you doing? Am I in trouble? MR. ANDREWS (V.O.) (Just audible) No... I'm just... lonely. Midus looks at Val totally and utterly bewildered. Hang up. VAL Listen, that was my first kiss. MIDUS What? VAL That kiss with Nicole. That was my first kiss. And... it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right that my first kiss came with her. MIDUS Well, if it's any consolation, I personally think you haven't had your first kiss until that kiss means something. Well, something besides bringing two estranged horny teenage friends back together. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 15. She melts, smiles, and gives Midus a hug. He hugs back, but winces in pain as her shoulder digs into his bruise on his chin. VAL I just hope I can find someone that means something to me like you found Nicole. Val squeezes a bit harder, but Midus shoves her off just a bit. He's confused, and well, "found out" to say the least. MIDUS Who shot who in the what now?!? END OF ACT TWO ------------------------------------------------------------------- 16. ACT THREE INT. MIDUS' LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS MIDUS and VAL are still on his couch. There's a bit of an accusing eye thrown by Midus toward Val, when EDDIE SCOTT POSER runs into frame, engulfed in flames. They jump back, when a water balloon smacks Midus in the face. Cut to Tony Davis and Jack Harmen, armed with a slingshot. TONY DAVIS Sorry Midus! (to Poser) Hey Poser! Stop moving around! How are we supposed to hit a moving target! JACK HARMEN Yeah, what do you expect of us? Accuracy? That's ludacris! Kate Young walks into frame. KATE YOUNG No. That's Ludacris. She points, and HERE'S THE RAPPER. Doug O'Hara is looking at his shiny "bling." He goes to touch it. LUDACRIS Yo sucka, step off! He does so, very scared like. VAL Listen, I heard you liked Nicole. MIDUS Well, you heard wrong. VAL I don't think I did. I think I heard right. MIDUS No, you were wrong about me liking Nicole. VAL Ha! You just said you liking Nicole. MIDUS I said you were wrong about that. VAL Oh, then what was I right with? ------------------------------------------------------------------- 17. MIDUS Nothing? VAL No, I'm fairly sure I was right with something. MIDUS I don't know. Midus & Val point toward the camera. MIDUS & VAL Third base! MIDUS No. Actually, you were wrong about what you thought was right. VAL So my rights were wrong, and my ideas of my rights being right were wrong too? MIDUS Yes. VAL Then I'm just so totally wrong. MIDUS That's what I was getting at. VAL Huh. Isn't that a kick in the teeth. JACKSON NO! THIS IS! Jackson jumps into view and fly kicks her in the teeth. She goes down. MIDUS What are you doing here? JACKSON I don't know. MIDUS Don't Abbott and Costello this. JACKSON Your the ones who brought it up. MIDUS Lies! Filthy Slanderous Lies! Val gets up, nursing her wounds. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 18. VAL You know Midus, this isn't exactly what I wanted when I called to come over. MIDUS You think I wanted this? Did you tell anyone? VAL No. Why would I? MIDUS Well, I only told you and Jackson that my parents were gone. (Looks at Jackson) You didn't happen to say something, did you? JACKSON No! Heaven forbid! What would I gain? It was... uhmmm... that guy! Jackson points to Link, who's on the ground, still gasping in pain. LINK Oh God. My spleen. MIDUS I don't even know that guy. JACKSON Heh, neither do I. Hey, who are you? LINK Gaha-hafhda- JACKSON Seems like his name is gahga--afjda Midus sighs. MIDUS Well, I did say I was going to find everything I needed to throw a swank ass party. JACKSON Why Swank? MIDUS Cuz no one says cool anymore. JACKSON No, no one says swank anymore. And then he points to the exits. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 19. MIDUS (yelling) Everyone leave... NOW! (nothing happens) I hear my parents coming! They run like crazy out of there, leaving a wake of destruction behind them. Midus sighs. INT. SCHOOL HALLWAYS -- MORNING MIDUS and JACKSON are in the halls. Midus slams the door to his locker shut, and they walk. MIDUS I'm grounded, for like, ever. JACKSON Hey, it coulda been worse. MIDUS How. How could it have been worse? JACKSON Well, it wasn't technically a party. I mean, there weren't fliers, no booze, no invites. It wasn't organized. MIDUS So, where's the upside? JACKSON Well, you can say you trashed your house instead of your classmates. Which leave you open to having yet another party sometime soon. MIDUS Like that'll happen this year. JACKSON It so helps you! MIDUS How does it help me! JACKSON What am I, the answer man? Answer Man flies in, a Question mark on his chest. ANSWER MAN No! I am. And your answer is no. He flies away. Midus yells after him. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 20. MIDUS That didn't help. Nicole/Val walk up. NICOLE Hey guys. VAL Hey. Val and Midus exchange a quick glance, but Midus immediatly goes to Nicole's gaze. MIDUS Hey Nicole, where'd you go the past weekend? JACKSON Cuz you missed a killer bash held by this guy right here! MIDUS It wasn't so much of a killer bash as it was a swank party. JACKSON You mean it WASN'T a party, right? You just destroyed your own home for some reason, right?!? (nudges) See how convincing it is? Midus sighs, and smacks his forehead. NICOLE Just to my grandparent's house for Thanksgiving... which is weird, cuz I saw your parents while out there. MIDUS Really? (whispers to self) Please don't mean we're related. Please. NICOLE Yeah, they were shopping for yams. MIDUS They... don't eat yams. Were they wearing yamica's? Cuz if so, those are my parents dopplegangers. JACKSON No wonder people think you're Jewish. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 21. VAL So, how'd the backlash go Midus? MIDUS Let's just say that my parents are a rubber band. They were giving me a bit of space by pulling back a bit, but then when I screwed up, they let go and the band smacked me into next week on it's comeback. (pause) Did that help anyone? Answer Man appears. ANSWER MAN Answer Man here, to answer a question. And the answer is... Australia! He leaves. VAL What the hell was that. MIDUS Stop asking questions or he might come back! Pause, they all walk down the hallways. JACKSON You know, I like flowers. VAL Really? JACKSON Yeah, especially those violent flowers. NICOLE Don't you mean Violet? JACKSON What are you, the flower expert? NICOLE Not really. JACKSON So, the flowers I like aren't destructive? They don't hurt people? NICOLE No. They don't. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 22. JACKSON Then screw flowers. I don't like them anymore. INT. CLASSROOM -- CONTINUOUS They all enter. Mr. Andrews walks up and hugs them. MR. ANDREWS Oh sweet children, you have come back to me! I am no longer alone! NICOLE I think this is the uncomfortable closeness that Michael Jackson's kids endure. MIDUS They allowed Michael Jackson to reproduce? He lets go, they sit down. NICOLE You know, I wonder why people say I'm going to my crib. What are they, one? Should I get you a warm bottle of breast milk? JACKSON I was going to tell you never to tell jokes, but now I'm going to say that sounds pretty nice. Except I drink my milk straight from the tap. Mr. Andrews calls attention as the bells ring. MR. ANDREWS Alright class, welcome back from Thanksgiving. (Getting softer as we fade) I hope you all stuffed yourselves plenty, because you should know that we're doing a Hansel and Grettel exchange program. The fattest kid gets cooked, and the slimmest gets beat with this blackjack. END OF ACT THREE ------------------------------------------------------------------- 23. TRAILOR OVER THE CREDITS Answer Man appears, and stands there like a superhero. ANSWER MAN The answer, is forty two! Captain Obvious appears, next to him. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS That is SO obvious.Credits
Main Script Writer and Creater: Thomas Ford
Script Doctor: Tim Kelly