Fox executives are watching a television. It's the most recent
television reality hit, that Paris Hilton garbage. Now, the
sex tape...
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Wow, look at those ratings! It must
be good!
(to lackey)
ORDER FIVE MORE VERSIONS.
The lackey spills coffee over his hand as the Fox executive
grabbed him, and silently hollars in pain.
LACKEY
But sir, people are calling in to
tell us how stupid the show is.
They're wondering when the perverbial
car will crash.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Excuse me?
LACKEY
You know. How people watch Nascar
just so they see an accident?
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
I'm not following.
LACKEY
It's WHY we bought Nascar in the
first place!
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
No. We bought it because it's EXCITING
programming!
LACKEY
It's people in cars driving around
in circles sir.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Are you questioning me?!?
LACKEY
No! No!
(to himself)
Although someone should.
The Fox Executive looks at him.
LACKEY (CONT'D)
Nothing sir. Nothing at all. There's
nothing to see here. Hahahahaha.
Two weeks later. The people are pleased by the graph of rising
numbers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
LACKEY (CONT'D)
Uhmmm... people are calling us sir.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Can't you see I'm covered in success!?
LACKEY
They're wondering when this pile of
crap is going to be cancelled.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Cancelled?
LACKEY
Yeah. Some guy even shouted W-T-F
mate and ran away.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Why would we cancel our most
successful program! Oh no, we're
going to beat this into the ground.
Beat this like I'd beat my wife!
LACKEY
What are you going to do, make it a
twenty four hour channel?
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
GENIUS! YOU JUST MADE ME A
MILLIONAIRE!
People wind up on screen.
PEOPLE #1
Please sign this paper saying you
are not a genius and you never spoke.
The lackey rolls his eyes, and shakes his head.
PEOPLE #2
Awh. We have some cornbread.
The Lackey shakes his head no.
PEOPLE #2 (CONT'D)
It's for the best. This thing is
like a Rock. See?
The second guy knocks the first out with the cornbread.
PEOPLE #2 (CONT'D)
Oh.... DID I DO THAT?!?!
He laughs and snorts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
PEOPLE #2 (CONT'D)
Ah... I remember that classic
television show!
(pause)
You guys. Keep up the good work!
He goes off to ponder.
LACKEY
Sir, did you happen to take a look
at the new pilots.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
I did. At least the one.
LACKEY
I sent you five.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
This show called Firefly? I don't
get it. And if I don't get it, no
one will get it. Air the episodes
that were made at the worst possible
time slot in the history of bad
timeslots and cancel production.
LACKEY
Should I air it against Friends and
Survivor sir?
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
No, give it Friday nights sometime.
I don't care when. In fact, give it
the X-Files old time slot. That show
was a success, maybe this show'll
attract the same freaks who don't
have dates or something.
LACKEY
Excuse me, for being out of line
sir, but if you found the pilot
episode to be over your head, why
did you option the script?
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Well, it looked really cool. There
were palm trees and koala bears.
The lackey looks down.
LACKEY
Sir, that's a coloring book.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
So shiny!
Reveal : Coloring book. *
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
LACKEY
And furthermore sir, you're supposed
to STAY IN THE LINES!
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
It's called working outside the box.
Maybe you should try it sometime.
Maybe then you'll be in MY position!
He starts gnawing on it.
LACKEY
Sir, No! The book is not made for
eating!
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Do I interrupt you while you are
dining on something exquisite? I
don't believe so!
LACKEY
(to self)
Thanksgiving you forced me to drive
18 miles to kill a cockroach.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
What? He was looking at me. I'm trying
to eat and it's looking at me!
Pan out to reveal his office, which is covered in pictures.
LACKEY
Sir, are all these done by your son?
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
(confused)
Son?
He gnaws on the book some more, as the Lackey just backs
off.
LACKEY
Just nod your head, and slowly back
away. Slowly!
EXT. STREETS -- AFTERNOON
The LACKEY is walking down the streets, head hung low, trying
to think. He's muttering to himself.
LACKEY
I must find the next big thing. I
mean, if I do that, I can finally
surpass that oaf of a boss of mine.
He bumps directly into someone, who's dressed in a sort of
shabby matter. Button shirt unbuttoned, black jeans. He's a
writer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
WRITER
Can I just say how groosly
inappropriate that was?
LACKEY
Excuse me?
WRITER
I mean, you didn't even say excuse
me. Well, until just then, but that
makes you late. Now you should be
saying sorry instead.
LACKEY
Uhmm... Sorry?
WRITER
Much better.
He turns to walk away, but the Lackey sees a script in his
hands.
LACKEY
Hey, is that a script in your hands?
WRITER
No. It's a script in my hand.
Holds it up.
WRITER (CONT'D)
See, I'm only holding it with one
hand.
LACKEY
My mistake. What's it about?
WRITER
The end of civiliation as a whole.
Lackey does a double take.
LACKEY
That's... cheery.
WRITER
It's a think piece about society
told through the eyes of a small
child. His innocence is shattered
and he must wage through the storms
of adult hood. I'm very proud of it.
LACKEY
Are there explosions?
WRITER
Ex... what?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
LACKEY
You know. Car go boom?
WRITER
Why... no.
LACKEY
Well... if you ever want your script
to be bought, you might want to put
something blowing up in it. It makes
movie studio executives go...
'Ooooo.... pretty.'
WRITER
And how would you know?!
LACKEY
Dude, I'm a lackey to one of the
biggest television production
companies alive. I'm basically the
man who runs things, except every
decision I make gets overturned by
some blowheart who should be face up
in a casket, because his mind is
most DEFINITLY deceased.
(pause)
What's your script about anyway?
WRITER
I told you before. You nixed it. But
I have another idea. It's this tragic
love story where this guy does crazy
stunts of affection, but his love
does not love him back in the
slightest. He infact, hates him.
LACKEY
He?
WRITER
Yeah. You got a problem with it?
LACKEY
Oh no. Not at all. I say I'm gay
with glee all the time!
(Pause)
I just basically said I'm happy with
happy there, huh?
WRITER
Didn't notice.
LACKEY
Right. Anyway, people won't go for
it. They want a happy ending...
(light bulb)
Unless! Do you have a large ship
setting sail on it's maiden voyage?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
WRITER
No...
LACKEY
Hmmm. Can you have a large ship
setting sail on it's maiden voyage?
WRITER
No.
LACKEY
Awh. But I like the ship!
WRITER
Well, it wouldn't work. Listen, the
thing you like most about a movie,
when it's not working, is the thing
you cut.
LACKEY
We're not working out?
WRITER
I'm not holding my breath.
LACKEY
I bet my boss is.
INT. BOARD ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Cut to a wall. A tunnel is painted on it. There's a...
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Yeeeeeeeaaaaargh!
And he smacks, face first into the wall. And falls down. A
noise goes "Meep, Meep," as the executive raises his shaking
fist in fury.
EXT. STREETS -- CONTINUOUS
The WRITER and LACKEY are discussing.
LACKEY
Why don't you come back and pitch
your ideas to the executive.
WRITER
That would be great. But I am NOT
selling out.
LACKEY
No, but you should buy some glitter.
WRITER
Why?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
INT. BOARD ROOM -- LATER
The FOX EXECUTIVE is touching the glittered scripts.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
... Shiny...
He begins to touch the Writer, who has glitter covering him.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1 (CONT'D)
Ever so shiny...
WRITER
When I said I wouldn't sell out,
this is exactly the kind of thing I
was talking about.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
So, we can definitly do business.
The Fox Executive leaves the Writer's side, after almost
going back in for a second gaze. He walks behind his desk,
and pulls out a ball of yarn and begins to play with it.
WRITER
That's great. I really appreciate
this oppertuinty to make my art.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Two small little suggestions.
The writer groans and looks toward the Lackey, who's egging
him on to ask.
WRITER
What are they?
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
First, put some of this awesome yarn
in the ending scene. Maybe a net
made of yarn...
(looks into distance)
That would be awesome.
(snaps back)
And disregard this yarn concept.
He tosses the yarn over his shoulder.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1 (CONT'D)
That's so five seconds ago.
(to lackey)
Now get me the Olsen Twins on line
five!
LACKEY
You do realize there are two of them,
and therefor you'd need two phone
lines.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Why? Aren't they conjoined?
LACKEY
... No I don't believe they are.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
I coulda swore they were...
(shrugs)
Learn something new every day.
The writer awkwardly begins to inch to the door.
WRITER
We're... done here, right? Because
I feel that staying here more than
five minutes is worse than getting
stuck in an x-ray machine for five
days.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
I love getting X-Rays. In fact, I
wear lead vests around the house
just for fun.
The DOOR swings open, and an ACTOR with a GUN walks in,
wielding it high.
ACTOR
YOU KILLED MY CAREER!
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
I thought it was a sure thing! How
could Napoleon the Cannibalistic
Greek Bigot lose with a mainstream
audience?!
The Actor shoots him, square in the chest. He flies back
and out of the room, through the high story window.
EXT. BOARD ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
The EXECUTIVE lands hard outside on top of a crate of pillows.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1
Wow, I fell faster this time.
He holds up the lead vest, which has shielded him from the
bullets.
FOX EXECUTIVE #1 (CONT'D)
I wonder why.
A wide shot reveals that there's a target painted around the
crate of pillows. The pillows is the bulls eye, and there's
a huge scoreboard that says "Executives : 50" and "All you
other Putz: 0." Some guy is now repainting over the fifty,
crossing it out and placing a 1 over the zero.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
The Executive has now fallen asleep inside the crate of
pillows.
INT. BOARD ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
The ACTOR, LACKEY, and WRITER are there.
ACTOR
Now I don't have any problems with
the lot of you, so if you keep quiet
I won't horribly murder you in your
sleep.
The Actor walks away, and then returns.
ACTOR (CONT'D)
Just had to grab my check.
He leaves once again out the door.
He walks back in after an awkward moment.
ACTOR (CONT'D)
Did any of you see a glove? Anyone?
It had blood on it from an earlier...
uhmmm... fence painting contest.
(pause)
Nothing? Nowhere? Well, if it turns
up, call me.
He leaves again.
And Comes back.
ACTOR (CONT'D)
I realized I didn't leave you my
home phone number and address. Here,
it's on my 3x5 index card.
(Hands it to the Lackey)
You'll have to share though. I ran
out of printer ink last night.
He leaves finally for the last time.
ACTOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I didn't even have to press the
elevator button! What perfect timing.
The Writer/Lackey remain standing awkward.
LACKEY
Welp... that's Hollywood for ya.
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.
Slow fade out.